Sunday, 31 May 2009

Troubles in the Bedroom Department

Sometimes, as you probably realise, when there are "problems in the bedroom department" things are not quite as straightforward as they may appear.

There are always two sides to each story which is why you are offered below two separate versions of the bedroom problems of yesterday evening and you can make your own mind up.




First Here is My Version:



I retired to bed at around 10.00pm and was just settling down to read "Private Eye" when this creature flew in the door and started circling madly within a few inches of my head:



Keeping a cool head, I called out to Mrs Rine to alert her to the danger and opened the bedroom window. The creature became more and more animated , darting around each corner of the room in a demented fashion but eventually flew out into the night.

I leaped out of bed and shut the window. What had been a matter of a couple of minutes had seemed like an eternity.

And here is Oz's Version:

I had just retired to my soft basket in the corner of the bedroom when suddenly I heard the most terrifying scream coming from the bed. At first I assumed it was a TV re-run of Jurassic Park where a boy and girl are cornered by two ravenous and relentless velociraptors, but it seemed it was a fruit bat circling the light bulb.

Mrs Rine, who had been in the bathroom, entered the room and took charge. She opened the window, put the light out and stood in the corner calmly whilst her husband snivelled under the bedclothes muttering about bats biting his neck or being caught in his hair. (I don't know if you've seen his hair recently - if you have you may have been using an electron microscope)

She opened the window and stood still whilst the commotion continued, then quietly shut the window and went back to the bathroom. She was like Sharon Osbourne, getting on with the day-to-day whilst her husband pretended to bite the heads off bats.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Tips for Heeby Jeeby Owners No 1

If you own a Petit Griffon Basset Vendeen ( PBGV ) this is a series of hard-won tips which may assist you in handling this unique brand of four-wheel-drive off-road hounds.


As you know, the PBGV name is one which is completely descriptive of appearance (like Gordon "Brown" or Douglas "Hogg" for example). In this case PBGV describes the breed exactly : petit (small) , basset (low), griffon (rough-coated) and Vendéen (for its area of origin in France). The accent "é" , like the breed, is acute one.

I say completely. It should actually be P.B.G.V.T.D. with the addition of two more adjectives - "Tenacious" and "Doolally". As a scent Hound she is so totally focussed on any important scent such as deer, rabbit or squirrel that she will follow blindly at 50 m.p.h. until she falls over with exhaustion in a wood somewhere in an adjacent County.

That is why this first tip is very important to PBGV owners who might otherwise never be able to let their dog run off their lead.

If you you want to see your PBGV running free and unleashed as nature intended, here's what to do:

"Take a photograph of the hound on the end of a long extending lead, then using the Photoshop "clone" tool remove visual trace of the lead in the comfort of your home whilst your PBGV sits looking lovingly up at you from your lap."


That's the only way you will achieve this look!

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Oor Wullie

When I was a kid we used to receive the Scottish Sunday Post every week from Granny Muir in Glasgow and I was an avid reader of the comic strips therein : "Oor Wullie" and "The Broons".


"Oor Wullie", drawn by the great Dudley D. Watkins, was avidly devoured in weekly format and also the Christmas Annuals were a major highlight. Wullie used to sit on a bucket and have a gang comprising Wee Eck, Fat Boab and Soapy Soutar.

Spookily I still have a Scottish Uncle Wullie who once worked alongside Billy Connolly when he was a welder in the Clyde shipyards. Many years ago he retired and moved out from Glasgow to Troon on the West coast.


His lady friend lives in Essex and Mrs Rine recently asked me why he doesn't move down there.
"Is it inertia?", she asked.
"Yes. that's where Troon is", I replied.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Raga & Bona

I thought you might like to know that our internet rag and bone business is battling through the recession by trimming an already ragged budget to the bone. The latest initiative is to dispense with the Dynamic Doblo for deliveries to the Post Office and replace it with a much more efficient set of wheels which will cost less and be kinder to the environment.

The latest transport has a fuel economy of 0 gallons per mile on a mixed urban cycle, negligible maintenance costs, built-in air conditioning and very low emissions (depending of course what I've had for lunch).

There are other advantages, of course. This being Norfolk, the fact that it is not a car means that people won't point at it as it goes past. I may also be able to build up a sideline in knife sharpening and handing out goldfish to young children ( making sure that I don't get the two services mixed up!)

The only down-side is that the open access trailer could present a security threat and be an invitation to light-fingered thieves to make off with valuable packages of rag and bone stock. Fortunately we have the perfect ready-made deterrant which will see off any criminals who may be in the vicinity.

"Make my Day, Punk!"

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Cussed or more service?


Have you ever spent 20 minutes trying to get through to a "Customer Service" department or "help line" followed by 5 minutes "taking you through security" only to be then told that your query cannot be dealt with because there's an "r" in the month?


Then, as you sigh with exhaustion and weary defeat they brightly say "Is there anything else I can help you with?".

Monday, 18 May 2009

Pot & Kettle Department

I'd just like to add a modest footnight to last week's ongoing story of MP's caught with their hands in the till, their snouts in the trough and their boots well and truly being filled.

Don't get me wrong - I'm as cross about this naked avarice as the next taxpayer and will be first in the voting queue whenever that arrives to give the miscreants a good kicking. However, I can't help feeling there has been more than a whiff of humbug about the reporting.

The Paxmans and Humphries are at least entertaining us for their six figure salaries, but I'm referring to our revered National Dailies which have been at the forefront of the hue and cry over mis-use of public funds. Almost to a man, the proprietors of the Telegraph, Times & Sun, Mail and Guardian have so arranged their affairs to milk the tax system for all its worth and pay an absolute minimum of tax and in some cases none at all. The Guardian Media Group, for example, campaigns for larger companies to pay more corporation tax yet paid none itself after making £300 million profit last year. The Barclay Brothers are resident in the Channel Islands, Rupert in the USA and Lord Rothermere reputed to be based in France from tax reasons yet because our PR obsessed Goverments and Oppositions are desperate for press support they don't make a fuss.

I couldn't help a wry smile at the bluff old Lord Foulkes who rather turned the tables on his £92,000 a year interviewer Carrie Gracie.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Shake that Booty

It's been most inclement round these parts recently and the biblical deluge of rain has caused even the most particular fashion victims amongst us to make compromises agains the weather. He's not looking too chuffed that I caught him on camera, mind.

Lil has that hairy-armpitted Gallic aplomb so can carry these things off more naturally.
However there is a worry that Oz has found a small friend and keeps bringing him home - he's a Tibetan Terrierist Clone.

He's taking a chance in a household with such strident views on fox hunting.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Turning the Tables

Back in 1983 Computers looked like this:


No mice, no colour, no internet and every interaction involving typing on a "command line". Then Apple showed their "Lisa" computer in 1983 which made the first attempt to turn the screen into a "desktop" or "GUI" (graphical user interface) to make accesssibility easier. This was later to become the first Macintosh.

The magazine Practical Computing held a competition in 1983 to imagine where five years of this radical new "Lisa" approach would take us by 1988 and one of the winners is re-published below. It is quite spooky, 26 years later, to discover how perceptive and brilliant this writer was!

Mabel : Personal Computing Takes a Quantum Leap!

Five years ago, the Apple Lisa system made a genuine attempt to open another route with its emphasis on interaction with the machine on a more practical and “real” level. Its approach did not divert other makers from their quest for miniaturisation but it did prompt two young designers from Cambridge – home of de Bono’s lateral thinking – to start work on Mabel.

They firstly renounced virtually every single design parameter passed down intact from the earliest Pets and Tandys and started from scratch to build a truly “user friendly” system. At its official press launch on Friday I say journalists visibly trembling with excitement at the greatest breakthrough in personal computing since the chip itself.

The first striking thing about Mabel is its physical appearance – a large, slate-grey metallic cabinet standing about three feet high on the floor and covering a rectangular area of six feet by three feet. No screen, keyboards or disc slots were in evidence and the only clue to the use of this monolith was the tunnel area in the centre of one long side where the user places his or her legs comfortably to operate the equipment.
The demonstration began and eyes began to widen as the really radical nature of Mabel’s approach became apparent. The flat top surface of the console turned out to be the central operational area, to handle in a flexible manner most of the input and output and centred on a moveable 12” x 8” plain white work area. Input involves a revolutionary cordless light-pen type implement designated the “Program Entry Module”. When the user places the Module against the white work area it physically deposits layers of graphite which echo the input exactly. There are no fixed pixel positions so the system is capable of virtually infinite resolution. Multicolour graphics are simply a case of changing modules.

So much for graphic input, but how on earth have the designers coped with alphanumeric entry without resorting to more conventional hardware? The answer is refreshingly simple: the revolutionary principle of Direct Handwriting Recognition. Whilst most micro designers have been struggling for years with speech recognition, Mabel takes the alternative but totally effective route of allowing the user to simply write on the white work area with the module. Every stroke, cross and dot is faithfully reproduced in the dark graphite with no hardware barrier between the user and the text.

Before the dumbstruck audience had time to draw breathe, the demonstration proceeded from data entry to data storage. Surely this totally unconventional computer would have to fall back on more traditional facilities for the permanent retention of data?

The designers ran quickly over the well known shortcomings of magnetic storage : vulnerability, degradation, rough handling etc – and explained that one of the chief micro aversions still restricting computer acceptance was that an inability to “see” magnetic information leads to an inability to believe in its complete integrity. The answer for Mabel is probably the simplest yet most devastating of all –visible storage.

The journalists held their breath when this was demonstrated. The designers simply peeled off a 12” x 8” wafer from the white work area and held it aloft, showing the previously entered text and graphics still intact. Then in one deft movement a large cassette like box slid from the main console to the operator’s right and in went the visible storage wafer, intact, visible and entirely non-volatile. Head crashes, disc errors and power cuts were not going to affect that data, and the most suspicious non-computer cynic would have total faith in data in his or her own handwriting.
At this stage in the demonstration it had dawned on everyone that Mabel is not merely another new computer but a complete overthrow of every tenet of conventional wisdom as we have come to accept it. Questions such as “Will it run CP/M?” suddenly become a complete irrelevance and larger issues such as Mabel’s repercussions on the information revolution began to come to mind.

The designers have not been content to leave any area of the machine unchanged in their quest for friendlier operation. For example they have taken the Lisa screen calculator and given it real substance in the form of a remote mumeric-pad-like mini-console which detaches from another storage cassette in the main console and on which a complete range of scientific and floating-point number crunching can be readily effected. A demonstration of a paperclip-type database was also given with another instance of total practicality, this time in the shape of a box-like container housing dozens of visible storage units, this time on thicker wafers, which could be grouped using small metallic clips to give ready access to sorted files.

Software for the new system was briefly touched upon, but it appears that virtually every item of alphanumeric text ever published in English will form Mabel’s software base and, by utilising the visible storage principle, access to that base is immediate. The price of the actual system at around £100 brought gasps of sheer disbelief from the assembled gathering.

Predictions and forecasting in the micro world of 1988 is normally an area best avoided but from what I have seen of this revolutionary new system I will go out on a limb and predict that Mabel may change our lives. It could well be that within the next five years every schoolchild in the Country from infant to student will have his or her mini-Mabel at which to sit and at which all teaching will be conducted.

It is also now a real possibility that every town and local authority will start central town database facilities using the new visible storage whereby any citizen can go along with a ticket and borrow visible files for consuption at home sitting at Mabel.

The Mabel revolution has only just begun!

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Something for the Ladies

I've managed to avoid portraying male nudity on this blog so far but never let it be said that I'm prudish. I realize that I have thousands of lady readers who will appreciate a little male skin as long as it's tastefully done.

So here is a midweek treat for you all - Sir Piggy Op is notoriously reticent about showing the slightest glimpse of body part but was this month cajoled by Word Magazine to reluctantly bare his torso for their front cover.


Hey ladies, form an orderly queue! He's such a sexy hunk I may even be in that queue myself!

Sunday, 10 May 2009

2009 Turner Prize

This year's Turner Prize apparently features old fashioned stuff like paintings.

Since 1991 it was "decided to restrict the Prize to artists under fifty, so that younger artists just setting out weren't pitted against artists at the height of their careers."

Bugger. I've just finished six month's work on an INSTALLATION which I consider to be definitive but as I am at the height of my artistic career I can't submit it. It deals with the issues of relationships in 21st Century Britain and demonstrates that we only have to look through any window to see the sadness of unrequited love, of two beings performing the sacred courtship dance of destiny which is always headed for the buffers of desire.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Slight Return

Mrs Rine is carrying on the granddaughter sitting for a few days so me and Oz are having a bit of a blokefest Saturday night involving a front room, a settee, bare feet, a coffee table, a steak and kidney pie, Eric Clapton, Stevie Winwood, Voodoo Chile, the remains of a Simnel Cake and a bottle of Sauvingon Blanc.



Lil has gone up to bed in disgust.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Yellow Fever


We travelled the great Northern highway last weekend to spend the week on babysitting duties and took the opportunity to drop "Swine Fever" leaflets through every household on the way - hope we didn't miss you.

As this photo will attest, Lily has progressed a further notch in her "Sats" and now occupies the front "bucket seat" on her own. With me relegated to the back seat and Oz looking slightly peeved in the boot area, we did get some odd looks from people who assumed we were a taxi with a prohibitive "soiling charge".

As we left behind the arid pastures of East Angular and entered the sodden fells and dark satanic mills of the Industrial North, I mulled over the encroaching yellow peril currently overtaking our green and pleasant land like a rather dodgy rash.


Yes, the oil seed has been a little "oily" this year and I am knee deep in hay fever symptoms - itchy eyes, runny nose, queueing at chemist rage etc. It can't be much fun for the poor headless souls who have to guard this yellow menace from the birds, tirelessly on duty amongst the choppy seas of citric with their little green tree islands in the distance.
Once the crop is up to speed these hard working sons of toil are ruthlessly cast aside like postal workers under a New Labour Conservative Government. I found one poor soul propping up a tree in the corner of a field with a can of "Special Brew" under his arm, headless and legless. Where is Joanna Lumley now, I hear you ask.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Still, Mustn't Grumble....

Does anyone else remember "The Millenium Bug" which used to worry everyone sick from about 1995 onwards?

Industry would employ teams of inspectors to hunt down this frightening phenomena and even quite intelligent people would be queueing in Comet asking if their Toaster was "Year 2000 Compliant". Pundits and "Experts" bought Villas in Spain on the proceeds of the flood of paid employment they enjoyed in the "Y2K" World.

Of course the "popular" media milked this knee-jerk scaremongering to the hilt and we all thought it was such a joke a few weeks into the new Century when all was warm and cosy again with those nice young "straight kinda guys" Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell at the helm. "Planes falling out of the sky?" - how preposterous!
It was only when I recently came across this reproduction front page from January 1st 2000 that something occured to me.

Yes, that's right. The Millenium Bug has arrived about 8 years after it was supposed to.

Saturday, 2 May 2009

Rockola Vader World

I don't like to be tied to short posts. Oz was only saying the same thing to Lily this morning.

Let me take you back to the early 1960's when Gravesend in North Kent was a thriving centre of excellence in all things retail. You could buy things like catapault elastic by the yard in Shaddicks in Harmer Street where they also stocked every individual piece of Meccano for sale by the piece. Over the road in Munns the range of Rollex plastic pencil cases new no limits.



Anyway, I'm taking you not here but round the corner into Parrock Street where one of the first new fangled Coffee Bars plied its trade. I can't remember the name but it wasn't the "3 I's" where Cliff Richard had been discovered - I think it may have been the "4 I's" where Hank Marvin and Buddy Holly used to hang out making an interesting spectacle of themselves. What this Coffee Bar possessed which had become a magnetic draw for the fresh faced young Rog, pulling him away from the delights of Catapault elastic, pencil cases and Meccano 6"x2" Fishplates was .... a Juke Box!

We all thought this was the coolest thing in state of the art cool! We would hang about after school drinking Coke and taking it in turns to swagger up to the Rockola Juke Box, select the best record we could find and swagger back, glancing carefully around to see if anyone had passed out with delight at the quality of one's selection. Obscure "B" sides were always a favourite rather than the obvious hits to really weed out the discerning listeners.


This went on right through my teenage years when the highlight of the year would be hitch-hiking round the Country with Jeff Long and descending on obscure little cafes in Oswestry or Thame or Caerphilly where we would hit the locals with our stunning metrosexual London ways by putting on the "B" side of "Black is Black" by Los Bravos or "Rain by the Beatles. How everyone was impressed!


Occasionally someone would drop into the conversation that they knew a friend of a friend who had been to the house of the bassist for Roy Harper or someone and he had HIS OWN JUKE BOX! Imagine that, we would drool, virtually DOZENS of poptabulous vinyl 45's ON TAP in your very own living room!

To bring this sad little tale up to date, two weeks ago I ordered one of these from Ebay:





I then wheeled out the old stereo system in the lounge which hadn't been fired up in anger since the ipod nano had appeared.
I connected the Logitech to the Stereo and the Laptop, logged into my free account at http://www.spotify.com/ and what did I have, right there in the lounge?


THE BIGGEST FLIPPING JUKEBOX IN THE WORLD, that's what!!! Half a million tracks right there at the touch of a key, completely free!!! And they say we haven't progressed as a civilisation.




Postscript

I've sadly now discovered that queueing up Bob Dylan's "Mr Tambourine Man" with Suzanne Vega's "Solitude Standing" and Richard Thompson's "Shoot Out The Lights" and then swaggering back to the laptop glancing across to Mrs Rine for her approval doesn't wash. As Justin Timberlake's biggest fan she loathes the Bobmeister et al and feigns vomiting and throws cushions. I may have to revert back to the old Ipod. Bah!