It Really Is Bad Manners!

Not for the first time the Daily Mail has missed out a crucial fact.

They have just run a feature detailing all the Album Sleeves which have emulated the iconic Beatles Abbey Road Album.

It includes just about everyone from Benny Hill to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers...here are just a few:

There is one crucial exception. The sleeve to "My Girl Lollipop" by the lovely cuddlesome Buster Bloodvessel and his aptly named Bad Manners was NOT INCLUDED!

This is particularly galling as the Lollipop Lady on the right is actually my Mum (a real Lollipop Lady at the time) and she will be devastated to learn that she's missed a chance to feature in her favourite newspaper.

Bastards.

Taming the Beast

When I was a lad we weren't allowed to sit around in the School Holidays saying we were bored and needing ferrying from one expensive amenity to another in the 4x4 whilst we sat in the back texting and watching DVDs and eating Mars Bars. No. We biked off on our own to Shorne Woods.

Obviously Health and Safety, legal liability and vast armies of paedophiles would prevent such an option nowadays. Shorne Woods involved a 5 mile trip through lanes and woodland and featured an old bomb crater in the middle where we would go to meet Big Bertha. This was not, obviously a woman (we were very late developers in Gravesend) but a giant, almost vertical cycle track that led directly down into the crater. We would muster all our nerves and thunder down this slope with a view to hitting the hump in the centre of the crater at sufficient speed to get both wheels off the ground.

My Nottingham built Trent Tourist had an adult frame which was way too big for me and my Dad had fitted wooden blocks on the pedals so I could reach them. Negligence lawyers would have had a field day.

Anyway yesterday I headed off in the rain on my mountain bike to Brandon Woods near Thetford to see if I still had those techniques. Just watch out for the 360 degree flip at the end.

Bricking it - Killer Fact!

East Angular bloggers are just one big joyous family ... we all leave our back doors open and pop round to each other's for wine and a song at the drop of a hat. We don't have time to watch TV as we're far too busy having blogmeets. While Coronation Street is on we're dancing round the bontempi organ with Coronation Chicken nibbles.

You may have seen mystery blogger Dave's Wall which he is building for Z with JonnyB acting as Hod Carrier and Wife in the North looking after the Muffins in her Aga. Girl with a One Track Mind is preparing a giant rude muriel to cover the East side when completed and it is rumoured to be a Turner contender.

It's known by locals as "The Great Wall of the East".

I've nicked the above picture and uploaded it to a popular social network site.

That's right....

It's now the only Man Made Structure visible from My Space!

I'm Your Van - My Leonard Cohen Installation

You'll be delighted to learn that we've upgraded our business transport:

Not really, of course. But we have traded in out trusty Fiat Doblo for a shiny silver Citroen Berlingo with tinted windows so I can't be seen in the back whilst Mrs Rine and Lily occupy the front seats. I try (with varying degrees of success) to look like a rap singer on his way to a concert with Oz (Snoop Dogg Jr) in the back.

To be honest it was starting to get a bit tedious in the Fiat Doblo having people jump into the back seat at traffic lights saying "Just opposite Lidls, Mate, if you wouldn't mind. What time do you finish tonight?". They'd then throw up and we'd have to have the rear seat covers cleaned by a taxidermist.

The real advantage of the Berlingo, apart from it doing more than 50 miles between fill-ups, is that it gives me the opportunity to reacquaint myself with croonsome 80's Foursome Manhattan Transfer and wave a CD of theirs every time I go out for a drive.

"FIRST WE TAKE MANHATTAN TRANSFER,

THEN WE TAKE BERLINGO!"

Oh I, have the time of my life, and I've never felt this way before.

Time for a House Party!

Occasional readers of this blog (such as Big Al) may go away with the impression that I'm a miserable old git who hates everybody.

In fact one person actually referred to me as a malignant sociopathic misanthrope with a spleen bigger than Jeremy Clarkson and a bile driven hatred for humanity. Still, what does my Mum know, eh readers?

Just to prove that I can rejoice in the uplifting and the life-affirming, let me offer you some heartwarming joyous news that will make you grin helplessly with pure happiness.

Yes, Noel "Tidybeard" Edmonds has opened box number three at the age of 60 and found the love of his life - make-up artist Liz Davies. They married the other day in the Gloucestershire Village of Lower Slaughter, spookily named after what his House Party Programme did to a bloke who fell off a crane. "You couldn't make this up love" - those are my comments on the happy event, and also Noel's first words to young Liz (40).

Let's raise a glass to Mr Tidybeard and let his happiness be our happiness....let's not give way to cheap anti-celebrity jibes about his appearance or the remains of Blobbyland Morecambe which the ratepayers are still forking out for. Let's raise a glass of good cheer to Noel and Liz and wish then a long and happy marriage!

Here's a picture of the happy couple taken at the reception.

I Ring The Swine Line!!!

Undeterred by the Express Headline last week ("MIGRANTS TO MAN FLU LINES!"), I rang the Swine Flu Line yesterday to check my new symptoms and managed to get through before the weight of worried callers crashed the system.

Here's how it went between me and a very pleasant and helpful Scottish (the Express were right!) Person (SFL):

Me: Hello.

SFL: This is the National Swine Flu Help Line, how can I help?

Me: I think I've got the symptoms.

SFL: Yes could you tell me what those symptoms are?

Me: Well, I get these overwhelming waves of Nausea sweeping through my head and they're really painful. I have to lie down.

SFL: Anything else?

Me: Yes I've got high blood pressure but I'm getting really strong palpitations and have to steady myself against furniture.

SFL: Are you sneezing?

Me: No

SFL: Do your symptoms come on at any particular time?

Me: Yes. Every Time I see a screaming headline about Swine Flu, or hear a Radio Four "You and Yours" Phone-in full of tedious wankers whingeing about their holiday in Spain with their 2 kiddies and worried whether they should wear face masks on the Ryan Air Jet from Stansted and whether they can still drink Bacardi Breezers with the Tamiflu that they've been given by their cousin who's a pharmacist and whether there is a massive cover up by the Government about the true extent of the death toll and people asking that stuck up bint of a Doctor on Jeremy Vine wanting to know if it's safe to eat bacon sandwiches and whether they should wash their hands before going to the toilet as well as after and what about the loose carrots in Tescos ....

SFL: Could I just stop you there Sir? I simply suggest you take a short anger management course and ring us back in a few days. OK?

Me: Thanks very much Nice Scottish Person. Bye!

I've upped my Game. Up yours!

On Monday I finished work at lunch time and did something I haven't done for a long time.

I hopped on my trusty Norfolk Mountain Bike and got completely lost.

I'd forgotten just what a big place Norfolk is and how empty it is. I eventually found my way to the metropolis of Wymondham which is pronounced "Wind" and "Ham", coincidentally a description applied to myself in certain quarters. Fortunately it didn't rain so I wasn't subjected to the "Superman Soup" jibe - Old Ham with Capon.

In October there is a tentative arrangement with my brother to cycle the Coast-to-Coast Route Westwards from Robin Hood's Bay to Barrow-in-Furness, so I'll be doing a bit more cycling to build up some stamina. This slope on the road back from Banham will be just the thing to prepare me for the assault on the Pennines.

Tinker Two

As previously discussed, Mrs Rine (aka little nana) is oop north in the wilds of deepest Lancashire as her Ma (Big Nana) fell off a step ladder and broke her foot. It possibly makes her a step-mother, but last night another addition to the Dysentry appeared in Lancaster Infirmary after Big Al did a 120mph dash along the Heysham By-Pass. If I'd been in the car I'd have probably had twins myself, although I am holding off getting pregnant until the swine flu blows over.

Anyway, here's Miniscule Nana, a sister for Olivio.She is being called Lydia, so my suggestion of Flora has gone by the board. I thought Olivio and Flora would have been cool, zeitgeisty low-fat names.

Sarah Beany's New Thing

We had to rush up Norf on Saturday as Big Nana had fallen off a ladder and broken her foot. She was changing a lightbulb and had even wrested the live wires from the ceiling so narrowly avoided being electrocuted as well. Still, can't have everything.

I'm now back in Norfolk on my own and am getting used to the idea of being without my canine companions for a change and also being able to pig-out on quiches and treacle sponges. That's it, you've guessed - I've turned into Dogless Hogg. ("I'm gonna get those Duke Boys!")

To while away the time, I've been trying to help out the cash-strapped television industry which is suffering the recession with the dramatic reduction in advertising spend. Every programme is having to be re-targeted - Sarah Beany's "Property Ladder" is now "Property Snakes and Ladders" (although she's still as smug and cocky) and "Mary Queen of Shops" has become "Mary Queen of Charity Shops" (although she's even more smug and cocky).

Can any readers suggest any new revamped formats?

I've come up with:

Mediocre Designs

Time Team (With new presenter Dugless Trenches)

Holby Village

The 0.75 Show

Old Tricks

Rick Stein's Far Eastern Odyssey - Great Yarmouth

Torchcopse

Lagging in the Attic

Second Gear

Sports News

Old Bloke Doesn't Win Open.

In Toon with the Seasons

My previous cartoon drew such praise for my drawing skills that I've turned it into a regular series. They are the sort of jokes you wish you'd thought of already, and in most cases you have.

In other news, it seemed like late Spring on Wednesday:

Then yesterday is suddenly looked like early Autumn:

Have I missed anything?

Shitegeist

Other bloggers are dropping like flies at a Michael Barrymore Party but I have to say that this blog is as influential as ever!!!

What's Bin Did and What's Bin Hid

Every couple of months our district council distributes 55,000 copies of their expensive glossy PR Magazine entitled "Breckland Voice" which uses up around £60,000 of ratepayers contributions per year . Each issue is packed with heartwarming stories of how good the Council are at spending money and recycling.

The means of distribution is that they are left under the handle of our wheelie bins when they are emptied, ensuring that most people find the shortest possible recycling route by simply opening the lid and depositing the "Breckland Voice" inside. A bit like a ventriloquist act with a dummy and a suitcase which used to be known as "throwing your Voice".

Sadly, I have to confirm to younger readers that the famous "wheelie bin" gene does leech out of the DNA helix at the precise age of 60 - difficult to believe now, but you will suddenly be extremely concerned with all things "wheelie bin" when you reach that grand milestone. What I'm saying is that I have actually started reading the "Breckland Voice".

In mitigation, it was only because they had a competition in the current issue to "Win an Ipod Nano!" and my own trusty Nano is playing up and mixing up my "Start the Week" Podcast with my Richard Thompson "Mock Tudor" album with less than hilarious consequences.

The competition was for "Breckland Noise Week" and invited ideas for logos and catch phrases to publicise the event and promote consideration between Breckland's neighbourhoods over anti-social noise. I got to work immediately as I have always fancied my chances at slogan contests and can't actually afford a new Ipod at the moment.

Here is the result of my labours - I should have been working but thought a new Nano would justify an hour or so investment:

The application form to accompany the competition entry was only available from the Council Website, so I downloaded the PDF to send off my winning contribution and started mulling over which additional music and podcasts I will be able to fit on my new 4gig Nano.

Just as I started putting it into an envelope, I glimpsed at the "conditions" which were not mentioned in the original magazine piece:

"Entrants must be between the ages of 11 and 18 on July 31st 2009".

It's OK, I've just binned it.

A Quantum of Solihull

Isn't it galling when classic films are re-made?

I'm thinking of films such as The Italian Job which was reconstituted in Los Angeles and everybody wondered WHY? Why can't people just create their own masterpieces instead of trying to muscle in on somebody else's?

Having said all that, I've just remade Ian Fleming's GOLDFINGER as I felt there were depths and nuances that still needed exploring.

What, for example, would be the situation if the location was moved from the West Coast of America to Wolverhampton?

Good News for a Change

There's a lot of gloom and doom about at the moment, so I am particularly delighted to be able to impart two wonderful pieces of good news to lift up your hearts from the desperate Clarkson of despair that is the stuff of modern living today.

Item One.

The lovely and talented Jo Whiley has produced - hold my quivering heart - an AUTOBIOGRAPHY in hardback!!!! It is called "My World in Motion" and is about this inspiring "mother, sister, DJ, wife and music-industry insider who throughout her career - and in an age of fleeting celebrity - has earned the respect of her peers and fans". Doesn't it gladden your heart? Isn't it simply inspirational to see someone being paid nearly £0.25 million a year from our licence fees topping up those meagre earnings with a hefty advance from Virgin Publishing?

Item Two.

I've discovered the wonderful liberating democracy that Web 2.0 has bestowed on publishing, letting ordinary folk have their say on the Amazon review system on the same level as each other and as the fly-leaf author. Here's one I found at random telling a wonderful tale of hope and redemption brought about by Jo's extraordinary book.

It comes from Mr Jeff Haddock of Frying-Pan-On-Sea and reads as follows:

"I picked up this book whilst being treated in hospital for severe brain cancer. I had literally weeks to live, so everytime I put the book down after a night's reading I had no idea if i would be alive in the morning to start the next glorious chapter. I managed to get through the entire book and was completely moved at how beautiful it was. Every night I cried tears of what I now believe to be cancer. Night after night my eyes flushed out the toxins from my brain and with every page turned, my longevity increased a little bit more. By the end of it all I was given the all clear, and had also grown three inches. Thank you Jo, your life has given me life. I would recommend this book to everyone and anyone, especially those with terminal cancers."

I defy you not to be moved.

Toon of the Day No 2

Our thoughts are with her....

What a pity that poor, poor Michael Jackson had his final moments of international celebrity snatched cruelly from him by the events of this week.

Who will possibly remember the alleged baby dangling maestro of pop when his funeral took place the exact week that Kaz disappeared in France?

Michael is now Bad History whilst the real Thriller is unfolding as a nation awaits news of the La Kazster from La France.

It's now been over a week since anyone heard from the miniscule spiky-haired legend, the Doc Martin wielding dynamo of Northern Soul, the strident haridan of working-class heroism, the peerless Wag of Wigan, the Aphrodite of Accrington, the suave sage of Sauvignon Blanc.

We can but wait with baited breathe, our thoughts very much with the lovely Kev who may (*shudder*) be stuck in the gite with her. Send us a Gallic Symbol Kaz, for pity's sakes!!!!

Something for the bitches....

Calm down Girls, I know your hearts are quickening at the sight of a bit of "ruff" trade in a georgeous trouserless shirt - wouldn't you just like to collar him and let him take the lead? What a sultry Summer Sizzler?!!! Oz is a real hunk isn't he? He's from Tibet, and I bet you'd fall under the spell of his "and so tibet" eyes (if you could see them). Just 11 years old, his hobbies include marquetry, spoon collecting and pointless, incessant barking. Ding, dong, eh ladies?

Fair Exchange

At this time of year it's nice to be eating fresh vegetables that haven't been flown half way round the World, but not all vegetables are equally appealing. Big Nana has been staying with us this week and she is a big fan of Cabbages so we have had to include a couple of those in the Masterchef menu. Reminded me of School Dinners.

When I was doing the Car Boot Sale this morning, Richard from over the road stopped by at my stall and mentioned that he has a surfeit of cabbages at the moment and would we like any. (It all sounds very rustic and rural doesn't it?).

I told him that Big Nana was a Big Cabbage Patch Doll and would be returning back up North shortly, so later when I'd got home and unloaded the van Richard appeared at the front door clutching two enormous specimens.

"I've brought a couple of cabbages for your mother-in-law", he beamed.

"Seems like a fair deal to me!", I riposted.

Hedge Funds and the UK Economy

Here's a picture of Lily to try and convince you not to skip this post as another hopeless rant about the British Economy.

I bought a Hedge Trimmer the other day from B&Q - a "heart's desire" for many years, even before I had a hedge. Here's Lily checking it over:

Guess how much it cost?

£59.95?

£47.50?

£38.95?

All Wrong!

It cost £9.99 total, brand new with 600w motor and blade cover and plug fitted!!!!

After VAT is removed, B&Q received £8.69 for this lovely item which has been shipped half way round the world from China at a significant carriage cost. Even if B&Q are selling them at cost price for promotional purposes, it means the hard-working Chinese are producing a sophisticated gadget for less than it would cost over here to manufacture the cardboard box and the electric plug. Or possibly just the box.


So we owe the Chinese Trillions, the consultants, bean counters and bankers have screwed what's left of the economy after Thatcher and Blair dismantled it and we're all going to die of swine flu.

My hedge looks really ace though!