Norfolk 'n Good!

Popped In Souled Out

2012-01-24T09:29:00.001Z

How to tell a person's age.

2012-01-13T14:43:00.005Z

I have an infallible scientific method of telling how old a person is. I can freely share this with you now - it goes like this:

1. Ask the person what their three favourite pop records (or "choons") are and look up their year of release. Let these be x, y and z.

2. Where today's year is T, calculate the person's age as follows:

If this complex Higgs Boson level of sophisticated maths is beyond you, I'm simply repeating the old saying that a person's musical taste is formed and solidified at around 16 years old.

There is a lot of truth in this. 16 years of age is maelstrom of embarrassing acne and hormones which music helps to soothe and establish a generational identity to uniquely differentiate it from those before and those after. This is especially true of baby boomers onwards as previous generations had to just shut up and get on with it or put on uniforms and get killed.

Thinking back, my own musical delights centred on the late 1960's when Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and the Beach Boys were at the peak of their powers. Older music was dismissed as middle-of-the-road meaningless crooning which I would have no part of. Similarly when later music such as Punk Rock or its posh cousin, Prog Rock, came along I decried it all as either talent-free noise or self-obsessed nonsense. I'd staked my territory in time and space with a box of glorious vinyl and the rest could go hang.

Now conventional wisdom decrees that one gets less mentally flexible as one gets older and less able to take on board new experiences. The surprise of growing older is that one actually becomes more tolerant of a wider range of music. (Excuse me, my Tibetan Terrier has just choked on his chewer at the concept of me becoming more tolerant - let me expel him from the room).

This counter-intuitive revelation came to me last week when I heard Nat King Cole's "Let their be Love" on the Radio and thought to myself suddenly that this isn't the "easy listening dross" I'd always dismissed - this is sublime music. The middle piano break where George Shearing just walks off on the piano keys is just perfect and every single note and bass line is pure joy. Suddenly I found myself loving this record.

And there's more. Watching a recording of The Sex Pistols a few days ago I found myself warming considerably to "God Save The Queen" with its raw dynamic and sheer attack and energy. I'd always hated Punk but this stuff really was so much better than my long-held preconceptions had given credit.

I haven't gone completely mad. I would still happily throttle Classical Opera, Justin Bieber and JayZee.

Mary Tyler Moore had TWO!

2012-01-08T11:56:00.002Z

Just decorated the kitchen and am LITERALLY watching paint dry. I must mention that to my follower on Twitter to see if it will trend.

Anyway, in another cheapskate post here's a video which explains everything you need to know about Lily. However, before you get to the PBGV you have to watch a DFS, which I believe is a Winter Animal that you buy at Christmas and don't start paying for until the next year.

Tibetan Food Shortage

2012-01-04T20:33:00.001Z

My Favourite Birthday Card

2012-01-03T13:19:00.002Z

This was my favourite birthday card from the observational pen of Matt.

It's no longer my birthday by many weeks. Neither do I know Matt well enough for him to send me a card. I'd send him one though - the man is a genius.

Wonder of the Internet

2012-01-01T21:11:00.001Z

The Internet is a wondrous thing. The ability to dip into any field of human endeavour and get instant insights into how other people think and live never ceases to amaze me. How far we have come as a Race.

Take this snippet from a site called rhs.gardenweb which I came across today when looking for carpet cleaning tips (yes I know, Rock and Roll):

Posted by Arlinn (My Page) on
Mon, May 30, 05 at 1:44
Hi, I am a new poster but have been reading the forums for a long time. I need advice on carpet cleaning.

RE: Best Carpet cleaning method?

Posted by smom40 (My Page) on
Sun, Jun 5, 05 at 15:24
Two kids and partial wall to wall (our previous home, ALL wall to wall). A few tricks to keeping it clean.
a) Family MUST remove shoes as they come into the house. I have a shoe rack near the garage door (the door we always seem to use) and that is where shoes go. It’d better be a grownup emergency for someone to wear shoes in the house anywhere else. Gardening shoes and workboots are removed IN the garage. They don’t even come inside.

This can make a dramatic difference in high traffic areas.

b) There is a throw rug in front of every door and under the kitchen sink. This is about dragging stuff around.

c) I have a patterned wool rug under the kitchen table and a patterned olefin rug in the area in front of the TV. The latter, bold colors that can hide a lot. They look fabulous, vacuum like a dream.

d) If a child wants to eat while watching tv, I either put down a beach towel (a “picnic”) or I have about five of those really cheap (10 bucks)fleece throws that I got at Target. I throw one down, they eat, I roll it up and wash it.

e) If ANY child wants to drink something in my home that is not at the table or water, it goes into a sippy cup with a valve. This includes my eight year old. I’m not joking. My youngest has a fetish for cranberry juice. SIPPY CUP. I cannot emphasize this enough.

f)No one eats anything in bedrooms. EVER.

And if you really want to do it right, have the carpets professionally cleaned every six months. At the very least, every year.

I learned the hard way with small kids and a light mocha carpet in my old home. The key to keeping that carpet clean is to not let it get so dirty in the first place.

And when you find the occasional nasty deposit somewhere, clean it quickly. We also don’t have pets….yet.

RE: Best Carpet cleaning method?

Posted by hbw248 (My Page) on
Mon, Jun 6, 05 at 11:38
I pitty the poor pet if you ever get one!

New Coats AND a magic carpet for Christmas! You spoil us Ambassador!

2011-12-24T12:16:00.002Z

Brenda Lee Wrath

2011-12-19T18:36:00.002Z

A very merry Christmas to both my readers from all of us here in Norfolk!

Old Turkish Bizarre

2011-12-14T08:06:00.001Z

Some of you probably think running a mail order business from home is a bit of a doddle. Yet every transaction has the potential to turn into a nightmare of worry and bad feedback, particularly the 30% which are sent abroad.

Take, for example, a recent shipment of heavy vintage photographic equipment to Turkey.

This weighed around 8kg and was not particularly valuable (around £25) so after much research we found the cheapest shipping cost which was by road transport across Europe for £35. The customer duly paid and the courier collected.

A few weeks later the courier company rang to say the goods were at a customs warehouse in Turkey and the customer had refused to collect them. Several emails later it transpired that the Turkish Customs would not release the goods without payment of £60 import duty which only applies to road imports - if it had gone in by air freight there would have been no duty at all.

Reluctantly we had to refund the customer his payment for goods and shipping costs and asked the courier not to expend another £35 returning the goods because of their low value.

Yesterday we received a bill for £45 from the courier which Turkish customs had charged for "destroying" the goods.

Latest Advent Chewers

2011-12-09T11:25:00.005Z

My Nephew posted the above picture on Facebook indicating the current state of his room mate's advent calendar as of December 3rd.

"What a perfect metaphor for the ills of developed Western economies", I thought, stepping into an imaginary pulpit and wringing my hands in a very real and sincere way. Uncaring, no thought for tradition and instant gratification at all costs. Students, eh.

And speaking of profligacy, I have just printed out an email which ran into two pages but with just one sentence on the second page. "What a waste of a sheet of paper", I tutted. Then I read the meagre contents of sheet two: "Please think of the environment before printing out this email".

Damn. I've buggered the environment at the same time as ordering a piece of Chinese electronic hardware which can only hasten the end of our unsustainable Western Consumerist non-manufacturing bubble.

Still. an iPhone 4s eh? How cool is that? Just need to hone my explanation for when Mrs Rine returns from up North.

Lookalike2

2011-12-06T11:57:00.003Z

Lookalike Competition

2011-12-04T11:50:00.002Z

Omnibus addition

2011-12-01T08:10:00.003Z

Yesterday I took the day off work and travelled with my bike on the train to Cambridge for a ride out with my brother. It was, after all, the day for withdrawing labour in support of one's brothers.

We had decided to investigate the Cambridge Guided Bus route which has its own cycle track from Cambridge Science Park to St Ives, and it was fascinating to see this new service in operation.
Built along a former railway line, this new commuter service provoked much hostility when it was being constructed from campaigners who would have preferred a traditional train or tram service. Well over budget and behind schedule, the 11 mile concrete track was finally opened fully last year and is the longest system of its kind in the World.

Custom built Scania buses travel in the concrete grooves and have horizontal guide wheels which keep the main tyres away from the concrete edges. These buses are powered by bio-fuel produced entirely from food waste and have onboard wifi and laptop sockets for commuters. At either end of the expressway they simply drive off into the normal roads, something trains or monorail systems cannot do.

In theory the whole concept sounds a little odd and detractors had predicted it would become a very expensive white elephant. However, looking at the system in practice I was greatly impressed with the vision of Cambridgeshire Council in supporting such a ground-breaking concept. The buses travelled fast (60-70mph), frequently and full, and the new park and ride areas on route were jam packed with cars and bikes.

I couldn't help but contrast this with the train service from Norwich to Cambridge I had used that morning, this week operated by National Express. 15 minutes late, my train had arrived "into" the "station stop" with just a single carriage instead of the normal three "due to a unit shortage" and therefore entailing an uncomfortable 50 minutes in unhealthy proximity to human misery. The system, apart from the diesel engine, was 170 years old and felt like it.

If we are to survive as a prosperous nation we need to experiment with our transport infrastructure like the guided bus system. We need to design, develop and actually manufacture the systems in this Country and use our natural resources to the full. Having squandered our oil resources it looks like brains and ingenuity are all we have to go on.

This is SOOOOooo Me

2011-11-28T22:34:00.001Z

Telly Surveillance

2011-11-22T12:38:00.004Z

The trouble with our wonderful new World of digital Television with its 115 channels is that the really good stuff is lost in a sea of shite and it becomes almost impossible to pan through the torrent of listings to pick up those few gold nuggets. Exciting, fresh and innovative documentaries and repeats of Rock Family Trees are submerged below a sea of Flog It!, Come Dine With Me! and I'm a Masterchef on Ice Get Me out of Here! (Never watch a programme with an exclamation mark on the end of it!)

Fortunately technology fixes its own problem with the amazing watch-on-demand of BBC Iplayer, and this came to my rescue this week when I discovered I'd missed two of the best documentaries of the season from the BBC Imagine series with Alan Botney.

The Harmony Game delved into the making of Bridge over Troubled Water and was quite sublime. Interviewed separately and intercut with archive film, Simon & Garfunkel came over really well and it was fascinating to see how the iconic tracks developed.

Then there was Greetings from Scarborough, an interview into the normally retiring Alan Ayckbourn which went some way to explaining how he became Britain's most successful playwright of all time, at one point having five plays on in the West End. Wonderfully watchable stuff.

When there was a flashback to Ayckbourn being "adopted" by Sir Peter Hall to do a season at the National Theatre, the young Sir Peter looked vaguely familiar.....

Unpheasant Pluckers

2011-11-19T07:44:00.003Z

This Lorry leads a convoy of about a dozen 4x4's through the village several times a week. Always weekdays and always packed with plastic crates and gun cases.

A military exercise at the Stamford Training Area? A crack platoon of elite soldiers off to do battle around the replica Afghan village which is built there?

No.

The truck is packed with a forelock of stick wielding pensioners in olive drab and camouflage fatigues whilst the 4x4's contain a motley selection of estate agents, solicitors, Company Directors and saloon bar sleazeballs armed with shotguns, neatly pressed green ties, Barbour jackets and silver hip flasks.

They are on their way to a grain feeding station near the wood where the "beaters" from the truck will walk slowly across the field to disturb pheasants for the "arses" to blast with their wide angle shotguns. These pheasants have been reared and overfed specifically for the purpose of being slow enough for the dimmest hooray Henry to hit.

At lunch time the convoy repairs to the pub where the "beaters" sit huddled in the bar whilst the "arses" sit in the restaurant area getting louder and louder and toe-curlingly embarrassing.

I check my watch. Yes, it is the 21st Century. Where are the robots and flying cars?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a rabid left wing Dave Spart. I've got nothing against farmers shooting rabbits. I'm not one of those townies who moves to the Country and turns into a hunt saboteur. After all, even Hunts never bred foxes specifically for their "sport" nor overfed them to make them easier to catch.

No, this little pantomime of the unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible is actually indefensible on every level. How can we morally justify breeding creatures to frighten and kill for sport? Why are we allowing a collection of extreme right wing thickos to carry lethal arms in public and keep them at home? Why are we perpetrating the feudal system?

If anyone would care to join me in a heroic convoy ambush mission, armed merely with catapults and moral indignation, just let me know.

Christmas Rush

2011-11-14T17:56:00.003Z

We went away up North at the weekend for a nice quiet, relaxing, get-away-from-it break from our hugely enjoyable but nevertheless 16/7 business.

Walking through Lancaster High Street on Saturday afternoon I was struck by what a bun-fight the weekend retail experience is these days. I suppose it's the early Christmas rush (a huge relief to shops blighted by the intemperate weather we had this time last year) but it didn't feel at all relaxing or enjoyable to jostle elbows-akimbo with a seething mass of grim faced humanity in pursuit of over-packaged seasonal "stuff". Perhaps I'm getting old. Perhaps I've lived too long in the backwaters of Norfolk where shopping is an activity one can still carry out on a bicycle. Perhaps I'm just dreaming of olden days ATV Christmas shopping embodied by a happy gang of grinning celebrities in knitted bobble hats and scarves walking through Woolworths carrying armfuls of gift wrapped boxes. Now we just get this up-itself rubbish which is really taking the smiths:

On returning home this Monday morning it was quite a surprise to find that a lot of people had sensibly avoided the drive into towns and cities and had availed themselves of our eBay store where lovely green-friendly vintage items will be brought directly to their front door anywhere in the World by a jolly celebrity in a knitted bobble hat and scarf.

Shining Light upon Magic

2011-11-10T21:01:00.002Z

Short and Sweet

2011-11-09T13:09:00.003Z

Yesterday we thought it would make a change to go for a different walk before the auction across the fields near a village on route.

Oz has reached the age where he can be less than enthusiastic about walks unless there is some specific motivation. Or food. He's had a troublesome time over the last few months and at one point was on as many pills as my Mum, but now he's been diagnosed with pancreatitis he's on a completely different diet of fresh fish and Chappie low fat chunks which he devours with relish. I'm not sure if the relish is allowed so we sometimes allow him gusto.

On the way back from this very short walk a Labradoodle appeared round the bend with a lady owner. Oz suddenly found his mojo and sped across to check the leggy blonde out - if there is one thing guaranteed to get his tail wagging it's a leggy blonde bitch.

As he approached, another 10 identical Labradoodles appeared and a complete football team of long haired preening cross poodles was in view, not to be confused with Chelsea F.C..

Oz stretched himself up to his full height of 11 inches and wagged his way round like Bernie Ecclestone at a Supermodel convention. Sadly I didn't manage to get my phone out for a picture until he was on his way back.

In which we come to George Osborne's Rescue....

2011-11-07T07:33:00.004Z

The department of MUS (Made up Statistics) often points out that, whilst 37% of households have no breadwinners and 56% of those remaining in work are employed by the State, it is SDFB's (Small Dysfunctional Family Businesses) that will lead us out of recession by creating jobs.

It occurred to me that now the GLW and myself have been trading as an SDFB for nearly 4 years, perhaps the time has come to step up a gear and bring new blood into the organisation. But where to start?

Wanted - New Head of Packing
Must be proactive and prepared to stalk free cardboard supplies in Sainsburies without a hint of embarrassment. Handy with a Stanley knife (we did say new blood wanted) and able to put up a good case against the continuous whingeing from the Head of the Accounts department concerning the amount of sticky brown tape consumed. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Head of Photography
Must be able to work on own initiative in under-resourced back bedroom studio and produce 5000+ quality digital images per annum and process them through Photoshop against tight deadlines. Must have broad shoulders if any products do not sell or make a loss in order to survive the Lord Sugar Style blame-storming sessions that inevitably follow. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Despatch Manager

Must have GSOH and be prepared to wait in all day for the Courier or queue up all day at the Post Office. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Head of Security

Must be able to attend the front door within 0.45 seconds of the bell ringing and tackle intruders up to 12 times own height. Must be prepared to attend other light duties including keeping the back lawn free of pigeons and entertaining Lily. Note: This is an internship - unpaid but as much Baker's Complete Shite as you can consume.

On second thoughts perhaps the economy will have to look after itself.....

Driech

2011-11-05T17:38:00.003Z

It's been driech today.

You know the Eskimos are supposed to have 47 words for snow?

Well the Scots have 48 words for dull, grey, misty, drizzling rainy days.

I suppose the Greeks have 49 words for "lend us a fiver" but spookily only one word for weather. Scorchio.

That's enough National Stereotyping I think.

On the Beech

2011-11-04T07:35:00.003Z

Beech leaf carpet on the moat
In surface tension caught
4th November, misty morn
And I'm still in my shorts.

The Barking Chronicles

2011-11-02T13:43:00.002Z

For Ziggi

2011-10-31T20:02:00.002Z

It's Samhain or Gaelic Harvest Festival and we are entering the darkest third of the year.

It's only about 7 weeks until the Winter Solstice when light starts to gain the advantage once again and days start to get longer but in the meantime we all should simply hold cyber-hands and pray to our chosen Gods for peace and good health. The ancient people of the stone age must have felt that if they went through their rituals the warmth and daylight would return.

On which note I would urge you all to pop over and say hello to the lovely Ziggi who is fighting a difficult battle against Cancer which she can still win. She's over on the right in my blogroll.

Bar King

2011-10-29T07:06:00.002Z

The end of the affair

2011-10-27T19:09:00.004Z

From the age of around 12 I became an avid fan of Radio 4, or the "Home Service" as it was originally called. It shone like a beacon of quality between Hilversum and Luxembourg on the illuminated dial.

I'd listen on big old valve radios beside my bed and later transistor kits which I built myself. Of course as teenage years progressed I switched over to the Pirate Stations, Caroline and Radio London, where the young tearaways Blackburn, Everett, Peel and Walker were wreaking their youthful mayhem. However I soon switched back to the intelligence of Radio Four with its news, discussions and comedy programmes. Robert Robinson was my hero.

This affair with the Four went on most of my life, sometimes with long sessions in the car and later intimate listening in bed with the radio alarm clock bought from a Freeman's catalogue and paid off over several decades.

However I have to confess that it's over. The magic has gone.

I've decided in recent months that Radio Four has turned into an aural nightmare of scary stories, consumerist tedium and unfunny comedies. And of course the omni-present news. News of war, pillage and murder in graphic detail. News of instability and global system failure. News of grasping greedy Western economies, famines and banking crises. John Humphries berating anyone in public service, none of whom are earning as much as he is. I've had enough.

Yes, I'm off to Radio Four Extra. Classic Comedies. Plays. Minimal News. Ed Reardon, Claire in the Community, Paul Temple, Smiley, The Navy Lark ..... what's not to like?

Perhaps I'm just getting old.

APC

2011-10-23T21:33:00.001Z

Went to my brother's wedding on Friday which was a fabulous do in Lovejoy Country.

Sadly one chair was vacant. It was reserved for poor J., a feisty Australian Octogenarian who had come half way round the World to be there but then was taken poorly and rushed off to Hospital in an ambulance.

We took my Ma in to visit her the next day and found her ruling the roost in a ward of 6 people. She was sitting up in bed demanding her cappuccino be re-heated in the nurses' microwave and already had the lowdown on every member of staff.

"They took me down for an APC this morning", she announced.

"That's good", I suggested. "It's amazing what they can tell from these new fangled gadgets".

"Gadgets? Nah, I'm talking about a wash. APC. ArmPits & Crotch".

Transmission Vamp

2011-10-17T12:12:00.003Z

Unlike most working people of my age I'm relaxed, easy going and always think the best of people.

However, very occasionally I hear something that is so completely outrageous, so stupidly ridiculous, so jaw-droppingly moronic that there is only one way to sort this out....

RANT!!!!!!

In the past I've rather gone against the grain in giving octogenarian Rupert Murdoch grudging credit for having transformed Fleet Street from analogue to digital and sweeping away the "old Spanish Customs" which were otherwise destined to put several newspapers out of business decades ago. He also established a pay-to-view TV Channel in this Country from scratch by investing millions in building up a dedicated subscriber base from which BSkyB currently makes around 1 billion pounds profit per annum. Just keep that last figure in mind for a moment will you?

I've always felt vaguely niggled that the BBC appears to give Rupert a completely free ride by letting him broadcast their complete TV and Radio output as part of their "packages" which people pay £35 to £65 a month to enjoy.

However, I learned two things this morning from the BBC Media Show podcast which turn "vaguely niggled" into "steaming mad".

1. The BBC actually pays BSkyB £10 million pounds a year to broadcast all the BBC output. (no it's not a typing error - pays £10 million pounds a year!!!!)

2. Ratings figures show that the average Sky subscriber spends more than 50% of their viewing time watching BBC programmes for which the BBC is paying BSkyB.

What?!!!

The BBC is (rightly) under severe pressure to cut back on its top-heavy infrastructure and looking for savings all over the place, yet Mark Thompson has ONLY JUST raised this ridiculous anomaly which appears to have gone on since the start in 1990.

You can't really blame Rupert for grabbing the lovely free goodies that have been thrown his way but you can blame the politicians and the BBC for letting it carry on for so long. Not since my great uncle Derek made a personal fortune selling a single homing pigeon to unsuspecting punters all over the Country has such a ridiculous and bare-faced scam been allowed to continue.

Oye Cameron, Clegg, Jeremy Hunt! Get a grip and fix it will you? Here's my 6 point plan.

1. Cancel all existing re-transmission contracts between BSkyB and the BBC (by statute if necessary).

2. Tell Mark Thompson to re-negotiate commercially with Murdoch using the robust attitude that he himself was at the receiving end of in the licence fee settlement last year.

3. Don't be happy until BSkyB is paying the BBC at least £30million a year for re-transmitting the very best Television output in the World.

4. If Rupert and his useless son don't like it, encourage the BBC to pull the plug and let Sky viewers sit and watch Sky One between their football matches.

5. Benefit to BBC - £40 million a year.

6. Bish bosh. Sorted.

Economy needs more Jobs

2011-10-06T06:44:00.002Z

What very sad news to hear the death of a true visionary who genuinely affected people's lives. Steve Jobs is what Clive Sinclair should have gone on to become - RIP to a genius innovator.

Here's some pics from our holiday to cheer us all up.

Crowd Saucing

2011-10-03T06:41:00.001Z

My Dad used to tell me about how they used to estimate distances to targets in the Royal Artllery before the advent of electronic sighting aids. They'd simply get the entire unit to estimate the distance individually then add them all up and take a simple average. Each estimate could be very rough on its own but the "wisdom of the crowd" would be uncannily accurate.

I thought of this the other day when I was using Google, a search engine used by over 300 million people every day. When you start typing in the search box, Google software prompts you with its best guess of where your words are heading based on the 2 billion other searches entered daily by other users. Never mind 15 squaddies guessing the distance to a flagpole, this has got to be crowd sourcing with a laser beam.

I was typing (more in hope than expectation) the phrase "how to remove a mole" with reference to the extensive model of the Pyrenees which has apparently replaced our garden lawn. However, I had just typed the first three words when my eyes were diverted to the suggested list of prompts being offered.

What had 2 billion searches got to tell us about the World's preoccupations in the question "How to remove...."?

Presumably War, Famine and Pestillence would be up there in the list behind Child Cruelty, Animal Neglect and Chris Evans? Maybe they would be more general concepts like "Evil" or "Unhappiness" that people sought rid of?

Well here's what those 300 million souls were thinking. ...

Clearly we have yet to peak as a species.

LG in a Country Churchyard

2011-10-01T08:49:00.003Z

The early morning mist with exceptional October sunshine chipping away at it was rather nice this morning.

Sadly I didn't have my "big" camera with me but only the camera phone but here's a flavour anyway. It's an Iphone, not an LG, but let's pretend not to know that eh readers?

Deja Vue all over again

2011-09-28T17:04:00.004Z

OK where was I?

Oh yes, we were staying in Bigbury-on-Sea with a magnificent view across to the art deco Hotel on Burgh Island.

These are the security gates which are closed to prevent passing holidaymakers catching a glimpse of Agatha Christie or the Duchess of Windsor.

But how can you reach the island when the tide is in, I hear you ask. Well, unusually, the hotel has what professes to be the only "sea tractor" in the World. It's powered by an engine on top which drives a compressor connected by hydraulics to the wheels below water and was designed in 1969 by Robert Jackson CBE (a pioneer of the nuclear power station programme in the ‘50s) in exchange for a case of champagne. It cost £9000 to build but I would gladly have sketched out an alternative design for a much simpler floating passenger carrying vessel in exchange for a case of Pinot Grigio.

To give you an idea of scale here's me in my holiday hat. It's 7 5/8.

Here is the Sea Tractor in action. Most of the time the trips were actually serviced by two Range Rovers which belted across the sand and the rocks at each end. They were obviously leased.

It costs £2 for a member of the public to ride on the Tractor but I didn't fancy it because you'd have to sit in embarrassed silence opposite famous celebrities such as these.

However I did have a strange sensation all week that I had visited this place before and suddenly it came to me! Yes, 20 years ago I came down to Burgh Island to prevent Tinker's sister from losing the Hotel to loan sharks.

I can remember it all now.......

High Days

2011-09-25T15:21:00.007Z

Do you ever finish a weekend thinking dismally about starting work on Monday morning and all you've had was a miserable TV Menu of "Pastry Watch Live", "Britain's Got Opportunity Knocks" and episode 218 of "Dad's Army"? The thing that would really cheer you up is - yes! - hearing about somebody else's holiday!

Well, since you ask, we've just got back from larging it at Bigbury-on-Sea in the South Hams district of Devon and it was a splendid week.

It proved my theory of Steam Trains.

People pay a lot of money to ride on Steam Trains but when they are inside the carriage looking outwards they just see telegraph poles and gawpers - they don't get the excitement and thrill of those simply standing on a platform watching the magnificent locomotive thundering past. I've a similar theory involving tents and urinating but there's no need to elaborate in present company.

So it was with the Burgh Island Hotel. Instead of paying £400-£600 to stay at the establishment and look out the window at the poor people opposite, we stayed on the front at Bigbury-on-Sea and enjoyed the wonderful exterior view of the Art Deco Liner Hotel building constructed in 1929 and visited by Agatha Christie, Noel Coward, Amy Johnson, Gertrude Lawrence and Edward VII.

We had this magnificent view from our balcony.....

...whilst the Bankers and Big City Dealers in their £600 a night front facing apartments sat on their balconies and looked across at this:

It's like Ansel Adams once said - it's all a case of choosing the correct viewpoint.

More Bigbury fun and japes to follow this week......

Postcard from Oz

2011-09-23T09:08:00.002Z

Here I am on a beach with three lady Cockers.

My sister Lil has run off a mile up the beach on her annual release scheme.

Having a lovely time. Wish you were here

Incessant Pointless Barking

2011-09-17T06:08:00.002Z

There will be a short intermission.

Here's a nice short guide to PBGV's in the meantime:

http://animal.discovery.com/videos/dogs-101-petit-basset-griffon-vendeen.html

Pressing Engagements

2011-09-12T06:54:00.002Z

Yesterday I had a few hours free so I decided to get stuck into one of the 117 projects on the "back burner to do" list.

I couldn't face the painting of the Garage or the Hall Stairs & Landing so dragged out the old bookbinding press from the back of the garage where it has fester
ed for the last year or so.

My finishing skills sometimes leave something to be desired but I think I did quite well here. I've also downloaded the new iPhone blogger app so I can post this from the garage to give you up to the minute Sky News style reportage.

Lily's Dream

2011-09-09T11:12:00.001Z

Past historic. Future tense.

2011-09-07T17:00:00.003Z

In a recent English exam, a question sought the students' knowledge of the past historic tense by asking whether "had" or "had had" was appropriate in a particular sentence.

Jones, where Smith had had "had", had had "had had". "Had Had" had had the examiner's approval.

Modern Office Life is Rubbish

2011-09-02T06:22:00.003Z

Motorway Madness

2011-08-27T19:36:00.000Z

Stopping off at Bolton Services on the M61 the other day, I was taken by the revamped name - Rivington North. It sounded like a character in a Cowboy novel, a feeling reinforced by the price of a coffee in the Starbucks. My mind drifted....

It was a cool day in Sandbach. Norton Canes twisted the reins in his gloved hands as he rode up to the Saloon. Fleet of action he leapt from Heston his untrustworthy bald stallion and strode through the batwing doors of the Knutsford Bar. The Membury began to flood back.

"Anyone here seen Leicester Markfield?", he enquired with no change in his deadly expression.

"He's with those North Boys, Mr Canes", offered a frightened looking cowpoke at the bar. "Rivington & Rothersthorpe North. Something about going off to join the Hilton Park Gang Mr Canes..."

Canes' eyes narrowed.

"Frankley Gordano I don't give a damn. Mr Leigh Delamare is on his trail and there's a Bounty on his head. There's a Mars Bar in his pocket and a Milky Way in each Boot".

Norton Canes looked worried for the first time that day and stood up to his full 6ft 7inches. He was certainly Toll alright.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish....

2011-08-25T07:17:00.000Z

Just Making Myself Comfy....

2011-08-24T08:47:00.001Z

That's Inflation for you....

2011-08-22T12:17:00.003Z

The other day I was listening to the BBC Friday Night Comedy Podcast which featured Peter Hook interviewing John Cooper Clarke. It sounded like a couple of whiny old Mancy blokes sat in the pub boasting about who could sound most like a pissed Liam Gallagher but it was very entertaining.

The highlight for me came when they talked about singing old adverts (as you do) and broke into a version of the old carpet cleaning advert:

One Thousand and One, One Thousand and One
Gets rid of that workaday frown,
One Thousand and One cleans a big big carpet
For less than half a crown!

Bright action foam (deep cleans!), brings up carpets like new!

One Thousand and One cleans a big big carpet
For less than half a crown!

Half a Crown?!!!

Suddenly I realised that decimalisation only took place in 1971 so this advert which has lodged itself inextricably in my brain actually dates from the late 1960's when 12.5 pence came in an enormous circular ingot of pure silver which could be used to buy enough catapult elastic to reach the moon and back. My little grey cells have been hoarding this nugget for nearly half a Century.

Other people probably remember quotations from Dickens or the Wit and Wisdom of Harold Macmillan but I've chosen to cling on to every syllable and phrasing of - a carpet cleaning advert.

Those 50's and 60's Madmen in their dapper suits would be puffing contentedly on their briars if they had known their little throwaway creations would be cemented in the psyche of viewers and listeners half a Century later. I wonder if the Shake'n'Vac advert will still be hummed in another 30 years time?

Mind you, advertising is supposed to encourage you to buy stuff isn't it? I've never bought a bottle of 1001 in my life, so all that creativity has been a little wasted on me.

I may still succumb to their wiles as I was surprised to learn that 1001 Carpet Cleaner is still available and you can buy a 500ml Bottle of the stuff from Poundland.

That's 8 bright shiny silver Half Crowns to you. Or enough Catapult elastic to reach the outer rings of the planet Saturn.

Design of the Times

2011-08-18T13:28:00.007Z

One of the attractions of being an (antique) Antique Dealer is the satisfaction of owning lovely things for a while. Not permanently, but long enough to appreciate the design and craftsmanship which once went into everyday artifacts such as this lovely Victorian Leather photograph album we sold recently.

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that artistic product design in this Country has faded at the same rate as our Manufacturing base has withered, leaving our limited remaining factories to produce products designed by American, German and Japanese design offices. We tend to treat most everyday products as semi-disposable, utilitarian items and feel we no longer have the exciting design led movements of Arts & Crafts, Art Nouveau and Art Deco but merely fads and fashions which come and go like leaves on a tree.

The element of craft and hand-work may have departed but it is encouraging to note that there are still a few exciting product designers based in the Country, producing the wonderful style which appears when materials and functionality are brought together in original and interesting ways.

One of them is Kenneth Grange, who has his own retrospective exhibition running at The Design Museum until the end of October.

This quiet, unassuming but enthusiastic 82 year old has a name you may never have heard of yet I guarantee you have encountered one of his designs at close quarters. They include:

The Original 1958 London Parking Meter

The 1997 London Black Cab

The Kodak Instamatic

The Intercity 125

The Kenwood Mini Mixer

The Wilkinson Sword Razor

and many many more.

We could do with a few more Kenneth Granges around today, adding value and aesthetic appeal to ordinary objects and making them more "fit for purpose".

I'll give you a full run down once I've been down to the exhibition. Please try and contain yourselves.

Dear Prudence

2011-08-14T17:16:00.003Z

“Pleasure is everything
Give in to happiness
Reject propriety; embrace variety
Prudence is sooo 1658
Life is fleeting; clasp it hard with both hands
Seek delight
Trust your impulses
Ordinary is pointless
Break free"

This was the message printed on the packet of a packet of Gu (with an umlaut - can't be asked to find out how to do umlauts) which we devoured last night with Gusto. The Gusto wasn't that bad either.

If you feel inclined to live your life by a credo invented by a 22 year old thrusting advertising copywriter and are not too bothered by 284 kcal per pot (20gm fat) then I implore you to get stuck in. I know I did.

It's a Desiderata for the 21st Century.

Away with it

2011-08-12T13:39:00.002Z

It's been a really depressing week for watching the News from behind the sofa through your fingers (unless you smugly live in Norwich of course).

One person much nearer the front line of street violence (but slightly tooo far to the left of centre) is the lovely Annie who said something very perceptive in her blog comments:

"...if we've learned anything it's that everybody will steal if they think they can get away with it".

Which is quite true.

The observation arose when I pointed out that pontificating Danny Baker (who I used to absolutely hero worship) had been criticising the Police on Twitter. Only last week he was on Desert Island Discs boasting about his Docker Dad bringing home loads of merchandise every week from the docks where he had, er, stolen it. It wasn't really stealing, of course, because everyone was doing it and the Dockers would come out on strike if anyone tried to stop them.

I suppose everyone in the Country is somewhere on that continuum between using an Employer's paper clips at home and marching into a ransacked Currys to pick up a digital radio. Take away the violence and the only difference is not the principle but the degree. Teary eyed looters who had been caught this week were coming out with the "Everyone else was doing it..." excuse which has such a familiar ring to it. It also means they didn't for one second expect to be caught.

In the last few years the same "Everyone was at it" mantra has been used to justify:

1. Phone Hacking

2. MP's expense fiddling.

3. Illegal downloading of Music from Pirate Bay & Napster.

4. Banker's ill-gotten bonuses.

I'd be interested to see if any reader of this blog is prepared to stand up and claim that they have never knowingly broken the law or taken (ie stolen) products or services using the "everybody else is at it" get out.

Guide to Grandparenting in Three Lessons

2011-08-08T09:42:00.003Z

1. Get an iPhone.

2. ...er...

3. ....that's it...

Wise Words from the Chambers

2011-08-04T19:11:00.002Z

I was intrigued to see a quotation in the current edition of Private Eye taken from Chambers Encyclopaedia, "A Dictionary of Universal Knowledge for the People", Volume 5, 1868.

It's not made up, you can see it in context at the Internet Archive here.

"The financial affairs of Greece seem to be in a state of hopdess bankruptcy. The kingdom started on borrowed capital, the three great powers of England, France, and Russia having guaranteed a loan of 60 millions of francs (£240,000), partly to indemnify Turkey and other creditors of Greece, and partly to assist agriculture and manufactures in their early struggles. The expenses of the court and government, the carelessness of officials, and the non-receipt of the taxes, have added to the embarrassment of the exchequer, so that at the present time the Greek treasury owes upwards of 300,000,000 dr., a third of which is due to the three powers, and the remainder to capitalists, principally in England."

Dogmatic for the People

2011-08-02T10:52:00.005Z

Listening to the Guardian Science Weekly Podcast last week I was struck by the interview with Mark Lynas.

He was being interviewed about his new book "The God Species: How the Planet Can Survive the Age of Humans" and he impressed me with his honesty in revealing that he had simply changed his mind.

Lynus is a Science writer and environmental activist campaigning for action on Global Warming with his last book "Six Degrees" laying out the catastrophic stakes. As a leading member of the Green Movement he was always a fervent opponent of Nuclear Energy and GM Crops.

Until he wrote this latest book, that is.

Yes he has done something that Politicians regard as the ultimate sin - he has changed his mind. After analysing the scientific data he came to the conclusion that Nuclear Energy has a serious role to play in reducing Greenhouse gases and GM Crops can make a real contribution to coping with our World Population. This conversion comes against a background of Germany running scared from Nuclear Energy and planning to close all their power stations in a frantic response to the Japanese Earthquake.

The stigma attached to the "U-Turn" (Remember Mrs Thatcher?) seems to be based around the fear of admitting that you were wrong, that you made a mistake. Sticking to policies through thick and thin with grim and resolute determination is considered admirable and you can eventually prove that you were right all along. I believe there still exists a "Flat Earth Society" but you can't ignore scientific facts forever as any Lemming will tell you.

Perhaps we need to stop castigating people for "U-Turns" and start congratulating them for being pragmatic and sensible in accommodating the facts of a changing World. That means Scientific facts - I'm not condoning the habits of Governments over the last decade of dancing to the music of focus groups. It's impossible to dance to "Hocus Pocus" in my experience.

Inspiration

2011-07-27T08:42:00.002Z

I came across this photo this morning which I took with Murph about 4 years ago on a Wintry walk up Ingleberrow in the Yorkshire Dales . That sounds as though he helped in taking the photograph which is not strictly the case.

I'd glanced across to the South and noticed this beam of sunlight heading steadily towards the lone tree and quickly put my foot on Murph's lead and grappled in my bag for the camera. It was raining and very cold.

Anyway it prompted an inspiring thought concerning inspiration. Almost by definition, you can't force inspiration to come along - it's complete serendipity and will appear when it wants to.

Trying to force inspiration to appear is like trying to force breaking wind. In my experience both can result in unexpected and unwanted results.

Pigeon Detectives

2011-07-24T11:53:00.001Z

I looked out of the upstairs window this morning to witness a dramatic scene unfolding as a tiny hooligan sat on the ledge shouting threats to the flock below.

Strange Days Indeed

2011-07-18T11:50:00.000Z

The News International Rolling-News Circus has unfolded almost hourly over the last three weeks and provided untold fascination as the closures, arrests and resignations unfolded.

It's a story which might easily have been rejected by publishers of fiction as being far too unrealistic, with aging media Moguls, flame haired temptresses, Etonian Prime Ministers, sibling rivalry and notorious murders and terrorist atrocities. Francis Wheen's account of the last days Nixon starts to look very unambitious and run-of-the-mill.

There have been two highlights for me.

Firstly the sight of Alastair Cambell, Mr Dodgy Dossier himself, offering a bare-faced critique of News International's PR strategy and ethics in a TV interview which forced me to run to the bathroom to be physically sick. Breathtaking hypocracy.

Secondly, the report of 80 year old Rupert Murdoch flying into Britain and prostrating himself in front of Milly Dowler's Parents and Solicitor, reminiscent of the Diana scenario when the Queen was forced back from Scotland to "pay tribute" to her hated but suddenly sainted ex daughter-in-law.

Now the Murdochs, with or without their red-top, are to be quizzed by MP's and it feels like pay-back time for the expenses scandal when the occupants of Westminster were given such a thorough daily kicking by the press. Axes are being sharpened and the public mood of almost Diana-like mass hysteria is demanding more and more heads.

The amazing thing is that a large part of the wrong-doing has been in the public domain for a long time. Here's a summary from the 2006 Information Commissioner's report into the illegal trafficking and "blagging" of private information based on the Police Investigation into Steve Whittamore and his network of informants:

The conclusion? They were all at it with hundreds of journalists from the Mail to Woman's Own using illicit and illegal means to obtain phone numbers and personal details of celebrities and vulnerable victims. The reason the others have been so quiet is the thought that to spill the beans would become what Guido Fawkes has dubbed a "circular firing squad".

Steve Whittamore and his associates were given mere conditional discharges. The full extent of the behaviour can be seen in Nick Davies's August 2009 Guardian Article which makes sobering reading.

The bottom line is that the public's demand for salacious gossip has pushed far too much of the third estate well over the penalty mark in terms of how information is trafficked, and now we are all coming to realise that it is not just a few pompous celebs being targeted but a great many ordinary and undeserving people.

It would be unfair if Murdoch's Empire were to take the full blame for what every paper has been up to for decades - the smirk on Richard "Dirty" Desmond's face would be too much to take. On the other hand we do need a free press in this Country and some of the major exposures the press have led (such as MP's Expenses) have been based on illegally obtained information.

What we need is a Press Complaints Commission which is independent of the Press themselves, with legal backing to enforce proper financial penalties on those that overstep agreed standards of behaviour. As for the Suppliers of the information, making the phone Companies and Banks more responsible for their staff dishing out private information and having prison sentences involved for anyone illegally accessing DVLA and other databases would be a positive move.

Lets not get too hysterical.

Oz takes his job very seriously

2011-07-16T07:17:00.001Z

Les Vacances de M. Lovejoy

2011-07-12T11:50:00.000Z

The best thing about self-employment is that you can take a few days off without:

(A.) Having to creep round some self-important arse with a holiday list (not you, Al!) whose sole satisfaction in life is making it sound almost impossible for you to go away on the particular week you want to and making you feel guilty for even asking.

B. Spending your entire time away worried about the character assassination, shit stirring and general mischief making going on in your absence.

C. Losing the last 3 days of the holiday to complete paranoia about (B)

Perhaps it's just me. Here's a picture of Oz looking totally relaxed.

Sensational News

2011-07-05T08:44:00.004Z

The tribulations of the Greek Economy enter a new level as it is announced that there will be a complete cessation of all production of BOTH Taramusalata AND Hummus.

Yes folks, it looks like it's a a double-dip recession.

(I've taken the example of pompous little plagiarist J. Hari and cut-and-pasted this from the BBC "Now Show")

Brief Encounter

2011-07-02T17:59:00.002Z

I'd better Knock on Wood

2011-06-28T17:36:00.004Z

We seem to get the most intense Lightning storms in East Angular.

I know we haven't had rain for months, but when it arrives like a Thunderclap Newman One Hit Wonder it makes its presence felt. The windows have been rattling, the electricity supply dipping and the flashes of fork lightning illuminating the black skies like Papparazi Flashguns at an Amy Winehouse Gig. Unfortunately it makes out two dogs quake with fear.

It's difficult to imagine what Thunder must seem like to a small dog. It is perhaps akin to what elemental catastrophe must have seemed like to neolithic cave dwellers where they must have surmised that some evil dark creature has been angered. They didn't have a Michael Fish to assure them that it was just a breeze.

Lily was absolutely terrified by this afternoon's thunderclaps and managed to find this little snicket between a bed and a duvet to hide inside. I obviously rushed to comfort her but like the complete bastard that I really am paused to take her picture in the snicket before doing so.

The Hedge of Darkness

2011-06-21T16:16:00.001Z

If you've got the odd 20 minutes to spare, this is pure genius!

2011-06-15T10:03:00.000Z

What's Bin Did and What's Bin Hid

2011-06-10T09:39:00.003Z

Programme commissioners for TV and Radio have a difficult job don't they?

When ideas are pitched for new programmes it's very difficult to make an accurate estimate of their future success, which partly explains the large quantity of "genre TV" on our screens these days where a proven success is given a slight twist to reduce the risk of failure. Look out for "The Apprentice on Ice" or "The Only Way is Norfolk" coming to a screen near you soon.

It makes it all the more remarkable to think that a programme conceived in Wartime London in 1941 was first broadcast in January 1942 and is still going strong today. Yes it was Roy Plomley-Voice who claimed that the idea came to him is his pyjamas. The programme is of course Desert Island Discs which now has a brilliant archive of all the details from 2856 episodes available online for you to poke around with here.

The links are really interesting as you can look at any guest's individual selections and see which other guests chose the same. This can of course be off-putting, such as finding that only 3 people selected the great Nick Drake and two of them are complete arses.

The idea that a simple idea involving people picking 8 "Gramaphone" records should have survived nearly 60 years is remarkable and is in no small part due to the excellent choice of Kirsty Young for presenter number 4 in 2006 and the general trend to make it less Radio Three (although virtually all the all-time popular picks are classical).

It's not about the "Gramaphone Records" of course but much more about using music as a side-entry soundtrack to people's life stories. The least interesting guests are probably the Politicians, as you can almost hear the backroom wonks drawing up their lists for them as they refer to demographic tables of target groups ("Alan Johnson chose Bowie, Nick, so we'll need one of those to check Dave's Radiohead...zzz").

The concept of the list is the other appeal. In 2011 any Westerner washing up on a small island would likely have 22,500 mp3 music files on their phone, but the idea of prioritizing or distilling the soundtrack to one's life in just 8 choices must be something that we all do from time to time? Surely? Perhaps it's just a blokey thing.

Anyway the Official DID site where you can enter your own wish list has closed but the kind Mr Soaring has come up with a dedicated Blog where you can have a go at your own choices in the comments.

It's here.

Meerkat Forces

2011-06-06T10:55:00.000Z

Dave posted some pictures of birds today and reported having difficulty telling a bird from a Meerkat. I don't wish to speak out of turn but suspect that his social life may be somewhat diminished by this inability. He should join the Foreign Birds Society and adopt a Cheeky Girl like my hero Lembit Opik. A little Chickadee would perk him up a treat, although he'd be well advised to steer clear of the Thrush.

I must admit that we occasionally have a problem telling Lily, our PBGV, from a Meerkat but find this instructional video quite useful:

Hop, jump and er, Skip?

2011-06-02T12:19:00.000Z

With the Olympics starting to loom properly on the horizon, Lily is taking her fitness regime to extremes.

She's heard that the Chinese teams are likely to be on performance enhancing drugs so she's been trying to "Fly like a Beagle".

He Knew a Path that Needed Walking....

2011-06-01T10:10:00.000Z

The down side of being self-employed is that you are dealing with questions on your iPhone at 6.00am in the morning and checking the balances at 10.30pm at night. And packing, photographing, buying, listing and researching seven days a week.

Not really a down-side if you enjoy it though. And the upside is that if you get up one morning and see the sun shining in the garden heralded by a new poppy...

...you can jump in the van and take everyone up to Watership Down. Just like Robert Frost's Lone Striker, although he didn't have a Berlingo.

I took a few pictures on the way and it struck me how the same place can look completely different across time. The atmosphere, the mood, the feelings conjured up. Here is a picture taken there in November 2005 when I was still a wage slave employee and proctologist* :

And here is the same view but with a slightly different angle taken this morning:

I still prefer the first picture but much prefer the viewpoint of today. As the great Ansell Adams once said, "A good photograph is knowing where to stand". That probably applies to life as well if you are lucky enough to be able to take that vital decision.

(*dealing with arses all day long)

Bank Holiday Handicap

2011-05-30T07:51:00.000Z

Some of you may have wondered why there's never any pictures of me on this blog.

Well, as a special Bank Holiday treat for you, here is me participating gallantly in the local Log Jumping Championships where I came a creditable 3rd. A magnificent trunk, I'm sure you'll agree.

Font of all Knowledge

2011-05-29T06:30:00.000Z

I thought this was , like, pretty much, you know, spot on?

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Roses grow on you

2011-05-26T20:43:00.002Z

The highlight of the Way of the Roses Coast to Coast Cycle last week was possibly the path through the grounds of Fountains Abbey near Ripon.

I got my iPhone out to film the ride down a loose gravel path and half way down a herd of deer started running parallel with me. It was like swimming with the dolphins.

Bassets. It takes all sorts.

2011-05-23T12:59:00.000Z

I don't know if anyone remembers that Sting song where he has one bottle and throws it in the Ocean then finds to his relief and consternation that there are 100 million bottles washed up on the shore?

We felt a bit like that yesterday when we went to New York.

We've had Lily the French Basset Hound three years now and have NEVER seen another PBGV in all that time. If you are the only owner you have no idea whether all the little quirks and foibles are perfectly normal or if we are just being weird. Surely every PBGV doesn't travel around in a red plastic box in the front of the car? Surely they can't all be NEVER let off their leads? Do they ALL lie on their backs with their legs up in the air?

Well yesterday we went to a National PBGV open day party near New York in Lincolnshire and had the bizarre experience of meeting dozens of "Lilys" in what felt like Planet Basset.

It was a relief to discover that very few were let off their leads and every single one had their own red plastic box in the front of their car so were able to talk to people who didn't look frightened or worried about our dog owning tales.

One person did look worried, however.

Step forward Master Clever Clogs the Tibetan Terrier.

The sight of dozens of Lilys rather blew his mind, particularly when we bumped into the only Grande version Basset there who turned out to be called, er.... Oz. Even when he got first prize for oldest dog he was still nervous that the World had actually ended and he'd been sent to the wrong planet.

Lily came nowhere in the prettiest dog category but we all knew she should have won. Although the puppies were very cute, we did manage to come away with no more dogs than we arrived with.

Rapture!

2011-05-22T07:10:00.000Z

Here's the official team shot of the Coast to Coast Pelleton looking for all the world like a Boy Band humouring an old pensioner who has won a photo opportunity in a Werther's Original competition. Nice jacket, Grandad!

Koast to Koast Day 3. : the longest day!

2011-05-21T05:44:00.001Z

Koast to Koast Day 2

2011-05-19T16:39:00.000Z

Just arrived in York and have left the Dales behind after day 2. Mostly flat tomorrow but longest mileage.
To everyone who has given generously of money and encouragement to www.justgiviving.com/kazblog thankyou very much indeed!
Here's a picture from yesterday for others - give us your flock and money!

Koast to Koast Day 1

2011-05-19T05:57:00.000Z

Day 1
Awoke in Big Nana's tiny attic at 6.30am to the sound of rain hammering on the skylight and gale force winds rattling the gutters.

Bugger. I just remembered that today was the day I had to stop talking, wingeing and blackmailing people into charity donations and actually start cycling. Pity as the other stuff was rather fun.

We drove over to Morecambe to meet my brother who was staying at the Midland (with a room overlooking "Morecambe's biggest Shoe Shop". Perhaps they sell size 18's? )

We set off about 9.30am in a pelleton of 2 along the cycle track to Lancaster and guess what? The rain had stopped and the wind was directly in our backs, pushing us along like little rose petals in a fast flowing stream. Wonderful!

The euphoric mood ebbed somewhat when we turned out of the Lune Valley and hit our first 1 in 8 hill but the powerful gusting wind stayed true and helped us even up the hills.

We encountered few people but lots of sheep and after a record pace eventually found ourselves settled down in Settle eating sausage rolls and chips as part of a special cyclist sports diet. I settled up afterwards.

Then came the mammoth 3 mile climb out of Settle which involved a certain amount of walking.
Finally we made it to Burnsall Red Lion around 5, to be joined around 6 by the junior pelleton who had left Morecambe at 1pm. Fit young bastards!

Good meal and couple of pints and day one was put to bed!

Slept about 4 hours thanks to adrenalin, my brother snoring and a deeply offensive blog comment since deleted by it's author.

Sent from my iPhone

Koast to Koast News - 1

2011-05-17T10:54:00.000Z

Have I mentioned I'm cycling the Coast to Coast and you can sponsor me (see sidebar) for Ovarian Cancer Action?

This is the route:

And this is the route sideways:

It's a bit like cycling the features of General De Gaulle. We'll be doing an Edward Heath and getting up his nose about 4.00pm on Wednesday.

Me and my Bro pedal off from sunny Morecambe on Wednesday Morning at 9.00am (the youngsters will be getting out of bed at 11.00 and still catching us up by Lancaster) so feel free to line the streets and wave those Union Jacks which appear to be on offer everywhere for some reason. Gay Bunting is still perfectly legal in parts of the Pennines.

I'm sorry if I've gone on a bit about the sponsorship but THANKYOU for such a splendid support from all those listed in my sidebar. You are heart-warming treasures every one.

You can go on about the charity stuff just a little too much sometimes - I remember Mr Geldof getting all cross when Messrs Jagger & Bowie did a video murdering "Dancing in the Street" on Live Aid. "Mick & David did all THIS so give us ye folk in MONEY!", hectored Mr G. I just thought to myself "No they didn't, they did it to satiate their super-expanded egos, the preening loons!".

However in this case, Kaz was such a major and selfless contributor to the World of Blogging for about five years and it seemed wrong that she slipped away on Valentines Day without a proper send off from her Blogging Chums. So please get over there and chip in - you know who you are!

I may be a preening loon but it's a jolly good cause.

Watch this space for updates live from the actual route.

Kaz

2011-05-13T17:49:00.002Z

(Reposted with the help of Z and no help at all from Blogger!)

I may have mentioned that I'm cycling 175 miles next week across the Pennines on "The Way of the Roses".

It's longer and steeper than last year's C2C Route and I'm not getting any younger, so I thought I'd try and make this one a bit more useful by seeking sponsorship in aid of Ovarian Cancer Action in memory of our much missed Blogger heroine Kaz .

Yes, yes, I know it's a pain in the arse (well it will be after 175 miles in a saddle) but it's a good cause!

If you'd like to pop in a small donation, however small, please nip over to here:

http://www.justgiving.com/kazblog

If you know any Kazfans and can pass on the link to them I'd very much appreciate it.

Thanks for your help

(Thanks to all the brilliant people who have donated so far!)

Return of the Murph !

2011-05-05T11:25:00.006Z

Yes!

Once again we are indebted to the lovely Jill Carrington of www.woollydogs.co.uk who has now turned Mr Murph into a woollydog to match the mini-me's of Oz & Lily. He even has the matching white waistcoat and paws and that doleful "give-us-a-biscuit" expression.

They are all together again in miniature. Mini-Oz feels slightly put-out, a bit like Nick Clegg does when Dave Cameron gets back from holiday and catches him luxuriating in the big chair.

Suffolk 'n What

2011-05-02T18:38:00.003Z

We get invited to parties about as often as Bill Haley's Comet comes round but today was one of those days!

We had been invited to a "Wool Party" by Zoe in Suffolk and accordingly turned up with our two small woollydogs who were surprised and delighted to meet the famous Errol the Sheep. "Fancy meeting Ewe here", said Wooly Oz. They knitted in well together.

Turns out it wasn't a wool party at all but a WALL party to celebrate the extensive Calor Gas Tank Screening Wall completed last year by Zoe, the Sage & their nubile young assistant Dave. That's it behind the Bearmobile.

Young Christopher was over from France and had a staring contest with Sarah to decide who would pick up the glass of Sauvignon first.

This Gallic trouble-maker in his cravat then had the nerve to conduct a seance around the hand-made oak table. I had no idea he used to be a seance teacher.

Zoe was the hostess with the mostest and produces a wonderful array of beautiful food culminating in Sticky Toffee, Bread & Butter and Queen O'Puddings for dessert. Once again Christopher stepped up to the Oche (or should it be Och-Aye?) and produced a stunning 4 pud performance that would not have embarrassed Eric Pickles.

From a Berlingo 1.6 Diesel

2011-05-01T08:08:00.000Z

Not quite "From a Buick 6" but here goes.

I didn't watch any of the Royal Wedding but am very happy for those entertained by such spectacles. I did read the entire transcription of the Bishop's Address in the paper though. If you missed it it was "2, The Cloisters, WC1".

I went for another bike ride yesterday and learned something very profound which has significance for the economy, Western Democracy and the inner meaning of life and true human happiness. It's metaphorical dynamite!

Basically I was returning from an arduous 40 minute ride when I arrived back at Big Nana's and as I slowed to a stop I waved to her as she stood toying with her Forsythia. My trainers became stuck in the toe clips and as I stopped I executed a spectacular 90 degree slap onto the concrete landing on my side.

She rushed over as I lay groaning but all I could think of was my iPhone.
It's pulled through!

We Never Close

2011-04-26T14:25:00.004Z

I'm at a top secret high altitude cycle training camp being cossetted and groomed as Britain's best Meddling (sic) Prospect in the Yorkshire Dales Dash next month - Morecambe to Bridlington in three days by bike. It's called the "Way of the Roses" although in my case it should really be called "Last of the Summer Wine". 170 Miles, several of which are downhill.

Sadly this training in Lancashire has uncovered a slight flaw in my previous efforts inasmuch as it was all done in 10 mile stretches in Norfolk. 60 mile stretches up 1200ft hills will place an additional burden on the creaking old bod but I will be ably paced by various sons, their mates and my fit younger brother. ("Paced" means waiting for me at the top of each summit.)

I'll keep you posted on the actual ride towards the end of next month.

In the meantime here's a pic I took on my iPhone on a bike ride up the Lune Valley yesterday. We've been promised early and impressive Bluebells this year and these ones, with the contrasting silver birch trunks and hazy iridescence, don't disappoint.

The Puppies Have Arrived !!!!

2011-04-20T12:33:00.006Z

A new Tibetan Terrier Puppy and a new PBGV Puppy arrived today to take up permanent residence alongside Oz & Lil.

Yes you did read that correctly and no, we're not Barking!!!

The new additions arrived by post in a cardboard box:

Yes, these are brand new "woollydogs", the creation of the lovely and talented Jill Carrington who runs a web site called www.woollydogs.co.uk. She created these Mini-Masterpieces purely from photographs and they are perfect little replicas of the originals apart from one being slightly cleaner and the other having less of an attitude problem!

Oz wasn't sure what to make of little Oz. I'm sure Ant & Dec had the same issue with Little Ant & Dec.

When it came to feeding time, however, it was every dog for himself and the Mini-Me's were left standing.
I'm not sure how the four of them are going to settle in but I'm sure it will all work out in the end. I don't think we'll be facing quite the same 15 months house-training that we did with born-in-a-barn Lily. Or it could be the French in her.

She's not get her nose into that bowl, that's for sure.

And they won't eat their own weight in Bakers-Complete-Shite every week.

The little TT isn't getting a look in on the comfy basket but that took Lil quite a lot of schmoozing to achieve.

If you have a little canine friend past or present that you'd like sitting beside you at your computer or on your breakfast table then all you need is a set of reasonable photographs to get a quote. If you haven't got a dog you want to clone as a woollydog Jill says she'll be putting up some extra dogs for sale over the summer - you might even be lucky and find an Oz or Lilly of your very own!

details from Jill Carrington at www.woollydogs.co.uk

STOP PRESS: Rumour has it that there may be a "Mini-Mr-Murph" in production soon!!! Watch this space!

Royal Wedding Update

2011-04-15T11:22:00.002Z

How to identify new "Collectibles" for sale on eBay

2011-04-13T16:42:00.005Z

Step 1.

The key trick is to find items that will have resonance with nostalgic feelings for the 1960's & 1970's and therefore appeal to the high-disposable income demographic of people who have recently retired or are in the prime of life.

Step 2.

Find items which used to be part of the everyday nuts & bolts of life but which haven't been seen for years. Items which will spark off instant

memories of a past which will suddenly seems so simple and idyllic.

Step 3.

For example, what about a Radio Times Leather Binder? Just the thing for Radio and TV Times in the days when 97% of the population watched the same programmes every week and used to discuss them in the Works canteen the following day. Cliff Michelmore, Bilko, I Love Lucy and the Arthur Haines Show. It was very crowded in that canteen as I recall.

Step 4.

Purchase said item and carefully take it home to savour, polish and prepare it for listing on eBay.

Step 5.

Don't under any circumstances leave it lying on a low coffee table unprotected from a rampant Petite Bassett Griffon Vendeen when you are out of the room.

Step 6.

Er...

Step 7.

...that's about it.

Short and Sweet

2011-04-10T17:26:00.004Z

Apparently the Bluebells are predicted to be spectacular this year because of the mild, dry start to the year, although the lack of rain will make them "short and sweet". They will peak in the South around Easter although I always think of them as a Maytime show.

In the meatime, we seem to be enjoying a spectacular hedgrow blossoming this year, presumably for the same reasons. I don't know if this is Hawthorne or some other sort of Thorn. Tracy? Prickly Blackthorn? GE Thorn?

Post Modernism

2011-04-06T09:03:00.002Z

I heard the letterbox go yesterday lunchtime. Yes, the days of reading the morning's mail over one's corn flakes are long gone. Unless you get up at lunchtime. And have Cornflakes for lunch. And don't use email....

Anyway I popped downstairs but there was no post on the mat. All I could fine was a small note from Oz saying:

"This Post has been removed by the Author"

Sincerest Flattery

2011-04-05T11:03:00.003Z

I've just caught up with two and a half hours of sheer genius!

April Fool stunts produced by large media organizations are normally predictable, patronizing and tedious in the extreme. However, if you haven't already done so, check out the Radio 2 Ken Bruce Show from last Friday 1st April - it's here on iPlayer. You are in for a treat.

The entire morning was carried off in unbelievable style by the uber talented Rob Brydon who kept up a pitch-perfect Ken Bruce impression throughout. It has got to stand as the best April Fool ever and Brydon's impression of Bruce is uncanny and totally extraordinarily. Don't miss the bit where he slates Steve Coogan and "that little bloke with the bad skin" who did "The Trip" with him. Or where he hands over to "Tim" Vine at the end.

Genius!

Blowing a Hoolie

2011-04-01T17:05:00.004Z

Many parts of the World have exotic names for all their winds - Sirocco, Zephyros, Mistral or even Willy-Willy. Yesterday was so windy I had to walk very quickly under trees as the branches really did look precarious and it was VERY windy.

I checked my Norfolk Dialect Manual but there doesn't appear to be a suitable local word. I always assumed "Hoolie" was Norfolk but apparently not. It goes something like: “Yew hatta hoss about, dun’t yew? Yew hoolly cearme hossin down the rud on yar boike!”.

Exactly. Anyway the distant dust storm above turned out to be a field up in the air as I approached:

Canine Deficiency

2011-03-31T08:57:00.004Z

My Dad used to have acute Dentophobia.

As well as being very worried about letting me drive his car, he had a lifelong fear of Dentists. He would rather suffer excrutiating toothache with 2 aspirins and a half glass of whiskey than cross the portals of Dentistry and continued to suffer in silence until he was in his early fifties when somebody at work finally mentioned his bad teeth. That day he made an appointment and it came as no surprise that he had to have every tooth in his head out in one go.

It came back to me yesterday when we took little Oz in to have "a few teeth" removed and he actually had 22 removed, leaving just 2. The Terrierist has been disarmed, although he's always been disarming.

A sorry little face was waiting for us last night and I detected a glint of menace in his eyes aimed at me as his preferred suspect instigator of this sad gum-fest. Most unfair as it was everyone else who recoiled from his breath, not me. He's starting to come to terms this morning and has already been out for the usual morning barkathon with the labradors next door.

He's currently sitting on a special new basket being hand-fed soft garlic cheese (with the odd antibiotic and pain-killer thrown in) by Mrs Rine.

Funnily enough, so am I.

Hairier Terrier

2011-03-29T09:47:00.002Z

I don't think this open-hair barbering affords me the privacy I deserve! Who are you LOOKING AT?!!!!

"Anything for the weekend, Sir?"

Pressing Ham

2011-03-28T07:13:00.000Z

Whenever I make home-made ham I reach for my trusty ham press.

I do find that Pressing Ham can be such a rewarding activity.

It is quite old and was made in the East.

I call it Queen Victoria, Ham press of India.

(This post occured to me this morning when I was imagining Dave riding his bike in the rain. Soup of the day. Old Ham with Capon)

Apologies for this post. I've just taken leave of my Census.

Kaz

2011-03-21T15:06:00.002Z

It was very sad, if not entirely unexpected, to learn yesterday that leading Blogger Kaz died on St Valentine's Day after a year long fight against Cancer.

When I first started blogging five or six years ago (with the assistance of a certain Labrador Cross) it was Kaz who became one of my first commenters to introduce the true flavour of blogging. Up until then I'd been leaving comments at random on leading blogs and not getting so much as a lol. Kaz did blogging as it should be, regular three times a week posts with lots of humour, honesty, gossip and pictures - her comments box was as essential a stop as the Blue Boar Services on the M1 in the 1970's. She became a welcome regular to my blog and I looked forward to hers, a vital infusion of wit and charm when I was working in a Company that possessed neither.

Just over a year ago, in retrospect about the time she must have been given her medical prognosis, I wrote a post recalling that it had been a year since Mr Murph had passed on. After a batch of sympathetic comments a few days passed and then came this comment from Kaz, which turned out to be one of the last few individual comments she made on my blog:

I remembered.
I found out just before I had to go round to Kev's for tea.
I was so upset that I had to explain.
I told him that I had a secret blog and that a dog who wrote my favourite blog had died.
Amazingly he understood and was very understanding.
I'll always love Murph.

24 January 2010 17:47

Lovely words and all the more poignant since she must have known at the time what her condition entailed.

Thanks, Kaz, for all your kind words and our little subset of the blog World will miss you terribly - it just won't be the same. The parting advice you passed on to Kev were "enjoy life". In Mr Murph's terms I suppose that would be translated as "full-on or fast asleep".

The Bitch is Back

2011-03-15T10:28:00.001Z

There doesn't seem to be much to watch on TV at the moment.

We've just watched the first series of Madmen and Episodes and there isn't much left after that. Particularly as we now we have to watch the News from behind the settee.

You know that fundamental Law of Physics which states that the number of friends a person has is in inverse proportion to their number of different email accounts (I have 8 btw)? The same applies to Digital TV where "more" almost definitely means "less" , unless of course you are a big fan of that pinnacle of creative art "OMG! Peaches Geldof". I suppose at least it does what it says on the tin.

It's not just that talent gets spread thinner than Courteney Cox, I think it's the sheer volume and free availability that has made TV programmes generally less "valuable" in the eyes of the public. A bit like the demise of the music industry where most people under 25 don't regard it as something for which you part with money.

One of our "Annual TV Watches" was missed this year as it was moved from prime-time in response to criticism that it was a celebration of in-breeding. And I'm not talking "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" or "Antiques Roadshow" folks.

Yes, Crufts has now moved to More 4, which I always assumed was called "More Grand Designs" as it seems to be clever-Kevin doing wall-to-wall "I told them so" pieces to camera. And it's not just "Crufts" any more, its "DFS Crufts" in honour of its new sponsor from the World of Christmas Sofas. Many viewers must have missed it in the listing, assuming "DFS Crufts" was yet another Police Procedural featuring bluff, no-nonsense old fashioned Copper Jack Crufts and his gangly sidekick with an MA in Philosophy but "nowt oopstairs in't real world lad".

Anyway. Catching up with the winners at Crufts I was surprised to see the winner of the hound group was a dog called "Soletrader Peekaboo":

Yes, a PBGV has made it into the limelight, and obviously such a hit that the web site http://www.soletraderpbgvs.com/ has fallen over due to the volume of interest.

I hope these little charmers don't become a fashion statement because it is certain that a lot of them will be returned to kennels or simply run away due to their extraordinary combination of beautiful good looks and vacant brain cells. (Note to self- Try pitching "OMG Peaches Peekaboo" to More Dave Ja Vue Gold").

Anyway Lily is more attractive and has perfect owners.

Happy Birthday Rupert !!!

2011-03-10T20:34:00.000Z

Rupert Murdoch turns 80 today, which will no doubt provoke a wail of anguish from the Guardianistas, early retired super-annuated civil servants and other layabouts who see him as the anti-Christ incarnate.

I just think it's a pity there's not a few more of him and his kind in Britain.

We sneer and vilify entrepreneurs in this Country and falsely identify them with the talentess egotists who enter "The Apprentice", but true pioneers in business are few and far between. It is they who create the wealth of the Country yet the dismal status of them, and that of Business and Marketing in general, does not bode well for our economic future. It is dynamic and entrepreneurial businessmen who create the wealth, the jobs and the lifestyle that everybody else enjoys.

Yes, yes, I know all about Rupert moving to the States and I know about Fox News and what the money has done to Football and all the other stuff.

The fact remains that BSkyB alone now employs 16,500 people in this Country and has proved Murdoch right against all odds in investing billions of pounds to get Satellite TV going in the UK and providing a service which people are pleased to subscribe to. Back in the 1980's he was left to virtually single handedly take on the gross and parasitic print unions in order to install new print technology at the Times - if he hadn't won that battle we'd probably be paying Bob Crow's tax on emails today.

Even today the sneering loss making Guardian is mocking Murdoch's attempts to monetize his print Journalism value whilst secretly hoping he'll succeed so they can copy him and stop losing vast sums of money.

We badly need to give credit and support to entrepreneurial endeavour in this Country where small businesses are struggling to make ends meet whilst disgusting ex-bankers sit pretty on £0.5m pa pension in return for driving Banks to the point of oblivion.

So Cheers, Rupe! Happy Birthday and good on yer mate!

The Earliest Blog Meet in the World

2011-03-07T20:52:00.000Z

In the Summer of Love in 1967 I was still at School in the 6th Form and a that other leading East Angularian Blogger Dave was a tiny child in the first or second year whom we used to play rugby with. Unless we could find a proper ball, of course.

I've finally got hold of the famous Bullingdon Club Photo from 1967 and you can clearly see both of us on it. The only trouble is, I can't remember Dave before he had a beard and worked in the Insurance (Third Party Fire & Brimstone) Industry.

Can anyone spot the suave debonair good looking me and the tiny wrinkled little scrote from the remove?

Pic 1

Pic 2

Pic 3

Pic 4

Pic 5

Pic 6

Pic 7

Ok I know it's a tough one - I'm in pic 5. But "Where's Wally?"

Post Traumatic Stress

2011-02-24T20:59:00.000Z

Only 3 posts in February? Is this the demise of Blogging?

Actually I've been a tad pre-occupied as at the beginning of the month I started getting pains in the chest and assumed my early training for the Lincoln 10k was being over strenuous. It began to get quite continuous so I knocked off all running and started to get a bit worried.

Finally on Monday of this week I was sent by my Doctor to the Norfolk & Norwich Rapid Access Chest Pain Clinic for tests including a treadmill ECG and blood pressure. Turns out I've got the heart of a 50 year old (Thanks Mrs Rine) but nothing wrong with it at all. But I have got a Peptic Ulcer.

I'd kept all this information away from my dear old 86 year old Mum in case she got worried about me but did mention last week that I was going into Norwich for tests.

She looked really worried. I shouldn't have told her, I thought. She's really worried now. It's the Glaswegian way.

"I just hope you're not getting that thing. You know...."

Oh Gawd, I thought. What does she think I've got.

"Hypochondria", she said with what I thought was a somewhat withering look.

Finches

2011-02-15T15:34:00.001Z

We've installed a couple of Finch Feeders in the garden - they have tiny little holes which only the delicate pointed beaks of the small Finches can penetrate. Those obese fat-arses, the collared Doves, can only waddle up and down moaning and claiming to be a victim of glandular problems but they still won't get their fat beaks inside this baby.

I may have suggested it before but it would take just a simple Act of Parliament to proclaim that all McDonalds and other Fast-Food Outlets have a maximum public door width of 18" to solve the obesity crisis at a stroke. The only possible problem I forsee with this plan is that fat people would starve themselves silly to get into McDonalds but then eat mega-loads of Whopper-Burgers and get trapped inside. Plus we smug non-porkers would have to fight our way through crowds of aggressive fat beggars in order to get into the store.

Dave will soon be posting lots of pictures of colourful skinny birds with his new 500mm lens so I thought I'd get in first with this one taken just a few feet away with an ordinary lens and a remote control shutter release.

Porkies

2011-02-08T05:03:00.000Z

Bottom Gear

2011-02-06T15:41:00.000Z

I'm the first to admit that "Top Gear" took off stratospherically when Clarkson and his chums shook up the format and turned it into a worldwide ratings winner.

I have even been known to watch it on the odd occasion, although I quickly tire of the arrogance and smugness of the trio of "blokes" as they show off in a shed in front of a group of admirers whose combined annual income probably doesn't even come near what Jeremy trousers weekly. His superstar status has gradually made him feel invincible and untouchable, thinking he can publicly call Gordon Brown a "one eyed Scottish Git" and much worse within the protection of his fawning admirers. Like his other foot-faults, he believes that turning on the charm for a brief moment cancels everything out and he can get back to shovelling the money into his bank accounts.

Well, he may have taken much more of a body blow this week from the great Steve Coogan. Here's a taster talking about Richard Hammond:

"Richard has his tongue so far down the back of Jeremy's trousers he could forge a career as the back end of a pantomime horse. His attempt to foster some Clarkson-like maverick status with his "edgy" humour is truly tragic. He reminds you of the squirt at school as he hangs round Clarkson the bully, as if to say, "I'm with him". Meanwhile, James May stands at the back holding their coats as they beat up the boy with the stutter."

You can read Coogan's brilliant demolition job on Top Gear here.

999 Seaside Rescue !!!

2011-01-25T08:27:00.000Z

We had a mini break at the weekend on the remote East Coast near Aldeburgh at the mouth of the River Alde. One would have thought it would have attracted a classier clientele if they'd redeveloped it as the River Waitrose, but still....

Oz wanted to know why we couldn't holiday in the Summer like normal folk but I told him it WAS Summer in Tibet and that seemed to satisfy him. That was a first!

On Sunday we witnessed a dramatic rescue at the foot of Iken Cliffs just below our partially converted stable.

You couldn't make it up

2011-01-19T14:20:00.000Z

I just caught a little bit of "Count Arthur Strong" on Radio 4 this morning and wondered if my Van had discovered time travelling powers and dumped me back in the late 1950's. How did this anachronism get recommissioned by the BBC and why don't they just re-run the Clitheroe Kid which was much funnier? Also how did the BBC Listing department make such a mistake with that "o".

You won't find many "o"'s in Count Arthur Strong. Here's a sample:

CAS: "I've been queing for tickets for hours."

Ticket Lady: "But we're only selling tickets to see Lady Gaga."

CAS: "To see a lady Gargle? I don't think that's worth paying for".

Yes Arthur, quite. Nor are you.

If I were to write another sit-com my secret would be to base all the characters on real people. They are so much funnier than these so-called comic inventions. Obviously you can't admit they are real.

As an example, here's a scene in a mythical office of a mythical Company (nudge nudge):

Chairman: "Welcome to the Board meeting Ladies and Gentlemen. What's the first thing on the agenda?".

Finance Director: "Well I'm getting seriously concerned with our margins. Can we justify them?"

Chairman: "Are you serious? Are you saying we're making too much profit?"

Finance Director: "No of course not! I'm taking about the margins down the side of the new letterhead. If we drop them down to 10 point Arial we could justify them perfectly and keep Comic Sans for the Header".

Anyway I'm off to watch "Episodes" on BBC - now this really IS funny!

Resolution Update

2011-01-13T19:46:00.000Z

When I were a lad, apart from dreaming whistfully of a future filled with flying cars and iPhones, I used to read the "Victor" and the "Hornet" as light relief from the conjugation of Greek verbs and translations from Horace that were so much part of the daily grind at our Council Estate primary school.

One of my great heroes was Alf Tupper, aka "Tough of the Track", who was a wonderful role model for the power of the human spirit. He would make coal briquettes by day and in the evening run in International Athletic events and beat poshos and foreigners alike with his working class northern grit and determination. Being from the North (of Kent) I looked upon Alf as a role model.

My dreams of athletic prowess never came to anything and at Grammar School I just about made the "Chuckouts" in Rugby and hated Cricket. It wasn't until my 40's that I started proper long-distance running as an antidote to working for arses and ended up doing the London Marathon twice, the second time overtaking Sir Steve Redgrave in a career highlight on London Bridge. He'll deny it of course.

Since moving out to the Countryside and going self-employed I gave up running completely... until last week. I've entered a 10k Road Race in April prompted by the fact that all my children and some of their partners are going to be in it. Having sent off £17 I'm now financially committed and am having to start thinking about doing some regular running.

I'm up to 2 miles at the moment but only ever one step away from a running injury (my nickname used to be "Ivor Niggle" in running circles) so will have to take it steady. Alf Tupper is still my inspiration.

Dreich

2011-01-03T14:38:00.000Z

Well the Christmas New Year break is over and the weather can only be described as what my Glaswegian Mother would term DREICH. ("A combination of dull, overcast, drizzly, cold, misty and miserable weather").

It reminded me of her outlook yesterday when we were listening to Howard Jacobson being interviewed on Radio Four's Book Programme. He was describing his reaction when finding he had won the Booker Prize, instantly wondering what the deleterious effects would be on his writing and contemplating the down-sides. The interviewer, Jim (Jeremy Hunt) Naughtie, immediately cut in and enquired "You aren't by any chance Scottish?".

It's no coincidence that the word "dour" was invented North of the Border. If my Mum won the National Lottery the conversation would go as follows:

Me: "Mum, I see you've just won a million pounds on the lottery"

My Mum: "A yes, but if only it had been last week when there was a double rollover"

Thank goodness I have a much more cheerful and easy-going attitude to life and am notorious for my light-hearted outlook. In fact this was one of my Christmas Presents this year:

I'm not really sure it was intended for me so will be passing it on to the Post Mistress of a local Village Post Office that we occasionally have to use.

Christmas 'n Eve

2010-12-27T11:58:00.000Z

Daughter Holly went into Hospital on Christmas Eve and last night the lovely Niamh (pronounced "Neeve") arrived weighing in at a healthy 71b 12 oz. Congratulations Holly & Mikey and I look forward to meeting the little star in person next week.

Now I have 7 Grandchildren and suddenly feel like a proper Grandad. I probably need to take up pipe smoking and obtain a walking stick and a shed. I should be saying things like "I knew this internet thing when it was all fields you know" and "get off those cabbages you little whippersnapper!".