Thursday, 13 August 2009

Crisis in the Underpants Department!!!

Well, Mrs Rine has now been away a week and a half and a crisis in the underpants department was bound to occur!

I'm talking about the availability of freshly laundered underwear of course. This could only mean one thing ...I'd have to learn to work the washing machine!

Don't run away with the idea that I'm some old fashioned sexist beast who doesn't do housework. Oh no, I am a modern metro-sexual male who knows one end of a Dyson from the other and sometimes uses as many as four rings when warming up ready made pasta. (I was going to use two rings but he was still busy solving the enigma code).

Early on in our relationship it was agreed that Mrs Rine would handle all my underpants and I would look after the dishwashing. She does the laundry and I load the Smegging Dishwasher which demands fantastic technical Krypton-Factor type skills and spatial intelligence of the highest order. After 10 days without me she's probably run out of cups and saucers.

But the clothes washing can't be Rocket Science can it? I bunged all the clothes in the machine, turned the dial to 40 degrees (which is incidentally Werner Von Braun's educational attainment in rocket science), lit up an imaginary fag and put my imaginary feet up on the table to continue my busy morning's net-loafing.

Once the cycle had finished (1 hour 50 minutes) and I'd worked out how to extract the washing (17 minutes) I hung it out to dry and thought to myself how clever I was - from Smeg to Smug!

As I examined the wash, however, I couldn't help noticing that things like my white socks hadn't returned to their vestal perfection but remained steadfastly, er, black. Nothing seemed to sparkle like it did on the detergent adverts when they used to show them between programmes on ITV.

It slowly dawned on me that I had missed a vital stage in the whole process by not putting the little block of washing detergent thingy in the drawer thingy at the front of the machine.

"From Smug back to Smeg", muttered Oz under his breathe but distinctly audibly.


Dave said...

1hr 50 min? Not an economy wash then.

Sarah said...

That's where you are wrong dave, the economy washes take longer because they let the washing 'soak' in all the filth, to get the filth out.

Really Rog, it's a pathetic display of uselessness, in an atempt to get Dave (as he is such a girl in these matters) up there to do it for you. Mind You if you had tempted him with one of your pasta suppers, i expect he would have been up there like a shot.

Dave said...

My washing machine economy wash at 40ยบ lasts either 29 or, on the longer setting, 44 minutes.

Just because I'm in touch with my feminine side, doesn't make me a girlie.

Morton Shadow said...

There's an unused and currently unwanted Smeggy dishwasher currently residing in the Shadow shed if anyone's interested...

The old thing's in fairly good nick, barely used, in fact, since we moved in about three years ago. Just let him out every now and then to stretch his legs and smoke a ciggie. If you're lucky, he might enliven the proceedings with a couple of humorous anecdotes from his time as a member of the resistance movement during the occupation of Warsaw...


Christopher Campbell-Howes said...

Very interesting blue and white map, ideal for telling you how to get from A to B. So much more accurate than Satnav. Did you get it from eBay?

Roses said...

You're not a proper bloke are you?

See, a proper bloke would have just trooped along to Tesco and bought another packet of boxers. Or two, depending on how long Mrs Rhine was going to be away.


Geoff said...

White socks? Didn't know you played tennis, Rog.

It's a long time since I did the washing. I do lend a hand when the door won't open, though. All it needs is a strong man to snap the handle.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Have you really got a Smeg dishwasher???? Is it pink retro? *runs about in a slightly overexcited manner*

john.g. said...

Pillock! Go to the nearest brook,and beat them on rocks!

Z said...

You could always go commando.

Roger said...

Dave: Bring back the Hotpoint Keymatic.

Sarah: "Pathetic display of uselessness". That's very British isn't it?

Dave: You are the Metrosexual of Long Stratton.

Mort: I do have strong views on Smeg.

Christopher: Not everything from ebay is pants.

Roses: I'm only an apprentice bloke, obviously. Must try harder...

Geoff: I don't play tennis Geoff. I know, I know.... I can lend you a handle when you want.

Scarlett: Here's the definitive Smeg View

John: The nearest Brook side was in Lancashire.

Z: I don't see how blacking up and carrying a knife in my teeth is going to help.

zIggI said...

oh for goodness sake you pillock - just put them in the dishwasher, i find it works just as well.

**thinks: HOW did Mrs Rine convince Rog that one of these should be his job?? That's one very clever woman!**

KAZ said...

Why do you need socks if your feet are imaginary?

Rog said...

Ziggi: That's lateral thinking.
*thinks- bloody hell she's got a point you know!*

Kaz: That's a very existentialist comment. You've been spending too long in art galleries.