Monday, 5 April 2010

A Pox on Both your Houses!

The papers are full of talk that there is a real possibility of a hung parliament.

Now I've always been against the use of Capital Punishment but in the case of the bunch of free-loading snouts-in-trough fill-yer-boots low-life that comprise the current British Parliament then I think I could make an exception. String 'em up, Guv, hanging's too good for 'em.

And talking of International League freeloading, I suspect many of you will have been as concerned as I was to learn that three fire engines were sent to Tony Blair’s £6m stately home in Buckinghamshire after the former prime minister triggered smoke alarms while cooking breakfast. Had Cherie escaped?

Multi-Millionaire Socialist Tony lives in the huge old listed property in Wotton Underwood (I'm not making this up, honestly) from where he runs his businesses which employ over 130 staff and costs the taxpayer hundreds of thousands in Security to protect him from militants and right thinking citizens.

The Maily Telegraph informs us that "The first fire crew to arrive – part-time firefighters from the nearby village of Haddenham – found no evidence of an actual fire".

International Fire Inspector from Haddenham Mr Hansblick said he had visited Wotton-to-the-Core on several occasions and had found no evidence of Weapons of Meal Destruction apart from some smoking toast in a rack ("a rack" - geddit?). However with the assistance of spin doctor Alistair "Far Queue" Campbell, Mr Bliar was insistant that toast and possibly even bacon could be launched against Israel in 45 minutes so went ahead in sending in the fire fighters. The rest is his story.

The jovial Orange Faced Millionaire is reported to have pointed the finger and said:

"S' Haddenham ...Who's sane?"


Dave said...

Bacon to Israel. Hmmm. That would go down a treat.

Vicus Scurra said...

No, no, Roger. A hung parliament simply means that no party has an overall majority!

Richard said...

I've pre-ordered you his book. I hope you enjoy it.

Geoff said...

Aptly, the mansion Blair lives in was Sir John Gielgud's home.

(Blair took over the mantle of Britain's Greatest Living Actor when Sir John passed away).

Z said...

According to the Times, fire crews cleared the smoke and 'gave fire safety advice". I bet they did. In a few short, pithy words.

I suppose the big thank you note is for extra photo-opportunity potential.

Sarah said...

Tony who?

Christopher said...

Seems a bit low-key to me. I'd hoped it would have been written of these firemen:

Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House

- in keeping with the original subject's - Matilda's - regard for truth.

Rog said...

Dave: Blue Steaky Missiles?

Vicus: Try telling that to my taxi driver.

Richard: Don't waste your money. It'll be 99p in the Works within ten minutes.

Geoff: I thought Gielgud preferred his cottage in Chelsea.

Z: The "big thankyou note" was probably a fiver.

Sarah: I'm afraid he's come back to haunt us like "shagger" Major.

Christopher: That sounds like a right load of Belloc's to me.

ziGGi said...

I daren't let Himself read this one Rog, we used to have Teddy living in Wiltshire and Himself used to be very very very upset about the amount it cost to 'guard' him. Now he only has to protect Camilla - ooops he's read it, Oh bloody he's biting the table again and beating his head on the wall - be more careful what you write about, when he has a coronary later it will be your fault!

Vicus Scurra said...

At least Thatcher isn't costing the taxpayer a penny, as she insists on footing all of the bills herself, in recognition of the principles of the market.