Wednesday, 8 September 2010

The House at Poo Corner

I suppose most of you won't have to worry about what happens after you have flushed your toilet. You all probably think a sceptic tank is some sort of Government Quango or a vehicle in the medical corps.

However, living in the wilds of East Angular, our house isn't connected to mains sewerage. We don't have our own sceptic tank but the group of 12 houses on our estate all jointly own a larger facility where everyone contributes, like a sort of old fashioned Christmas Club. Only with Poo. It's a large "digestor" which continuously stirs all the shit (I think it's called a Prescott Mark 1) and it encourages microbes to break everything down so that reasonably clear water siphons off into a stream. The remaining "sludge solids" are collected in a tanker by some poor sod every 4 weeks and taken off to put on fields which grow corn for your daily intake of carbohydrates.

To keep the ownership and upkeep of this vital facility under a proper legal framework, it is owned by a Limited Company which appoints a Director from each household. It has a fancy "Management Company" name but we all call it "The Poo Company". Once a year there is a General Meeting and the general state of the equipment and running costs are discussed.

We've just been notified that the Annual Meeting is imminent and this always gladdens my heart as there are some new members involved and I can make my usual contributions when the agenda is read out. These include:

"Will we all have to pass a motion?"

"Is this item Number 2?"

I am the Colin Hunt of the Poo Company according to Mrs Rine.


Dave said...

I refuse to make any toilet jokes.

Z said...

Hee hee. That's so funny, Rog.

Does your septic tank really have to be emptied every 4 weeks, though? It won't digest unless it can build up its strength. Ours was last emptied in 1982, and it still isn't near half full, not because of its size but because it does what it's supposed to.

It's different if you have a very high water table, I know. But I prefer wine or beer.

Tim Footman said...

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

Vicus Scurra said...

In North East Hampshire no one defecates. It is seem as being common or vulgar.

brokenbiro said...

I have some questions your company:
If you're on the committee do you get any perks 'in lieu' of payment?
Do you always have an item at the end of the agenda: Any other 'Business'

(oh, and if you really want to know about 'the poor sod who collects it' - read Voyage of a Poo Sucker on Fridge Soup blog.

Rog said...

Dave: Is that because you have a plumbing crisis?

Z: It was probably an exaggeration - it's every quarter or whenever the whiff gets a bit too strong. It's not really a proper septic tank like yours, more a giant maccerator. 20 years is good going!

Tim: It's like being a Journo at the NOW.

Vicus: I had you down as being anally retentive but that's ridiculous.

MsBiro: I read the Poosucker Post ... and then finished my breakfast. I notice it gave you a chance to reprise your "in lieu" masterpiece though!

Christopher said...

Mmm, interesting. Maybe I could come and have a look at it sometime - at your convenience, of course? Are there special facilities for bears in your neck of the woods?

Geoff said...

I hope you don't get bogged down in too much red tape.

I suppose it's good to have new faeces every year - keeps things fresh.

Richard said...

Before they installed main drainage in the late 80s my parents had an old brick-built septic tank out in the field. I think they called them soakaways back then. Very fertile that bit of field was. The main drain now runs the length of their plot, which is a few hundred yards, with a vent where the soakaway was. Every now and then, a pressure slug is sent along it to keep the stuff moving. An unusual physical and audio sensation should you be standing directly above the drain.

Zig said...

Mmmm yes we have such a thing but it's just ours so like Z we don't bother looking at it or having it emptied for that matter. Ashley I dint know you're sposed to!

Rog said...

Christopher: Lave is "wash" in french isn't it? I know what you lot are like ... I watched Clochemerle you know.

Geoff: Wasn't Lenny Henry discovered on "New Faeces"?

Richard: It's like a meeting where someone says "Let's Cut through the crap!"

Zig: I don't remember inviting Ashley. Anyway you are knee deep in horse poo so probably wouldn't notice.

Keith said...

Thanks for that information; I really wanted to know that. We seem to have found the level of your blog at last, it's Shit!

It may interest you to know that I was reading the blogs on my laptop whilst eating my dinner at the time, and when I got to yours I was eating "Savoury Minced Beef". Yes, it does look remarkably like the contents of a septic tank, but it does taste infinitely better; nevertheless I suddenly went off it!

Madame DeFarge said...

Do you decide the outcome of votes by playing poo sticks? And I hope your decisions are made on solid ground.

Macy said...

Good to see a company with a solid turnover and healthy liquid assets these days... :)