1. It's 2.43am and I can't get to sleep. The upside is that the brain is most fluid and creative at such times, and I come up with one of the funniest jokes ever!
2. 6.25am. I reach for the phone, check our Internet emporium for new sales, answer some customer queries, update purchases and feedback and toast Steve Jobs for making this 21st Century dream come true. Vaguely remember coming up with something witty in the night but can't for the life of me remember what it was.
3. 8.47am. Get back from walking dogs and start to pack 14 delicate and valuable items to take part in the International parcel football contest by teams of posties in various countries. Sneeze a lot and eyes water. Is it tree pollen or cardboard engineering? My double blind trials of Piratin on alternate days is so far inconclusive.
4. 10.45am I get another email from a multi-national C.E.O., this time from Lidl. The chiefs of every major supermarket have felt the need to email me with their explanation of their horse DNA testing (0.1% positive in this case) and what they are doing to put things right. They appear to be deeply concerned that I should know exactly how much they care. They have sacked suppliers and senior staff, taken their children out of private school and told their wives to cancel that holiday in the Maldives. They are ringing their hands and eating humble pie. I compose a grateful riposte thanking them for their concern and expressing the hope that their products can return to normal (pig ears, calves nadgers, sheep brains etc) soon so they can continue their jet set lifestyle without having to explain themselves to me. These pies and sausages are already shortening my life without the extra burden of writing back to console their bruised egos.
5. 1.30pm I remember my very witty joke from 2.43am! It is "Why not tie a knot in each end of your Bentos to stop it Fraying'.
Somehow it doesn't seem so rib tickling as it did in the night. It is meat pie related I suppose - I may get back to the Lidl CEO and see if it cheers him up. Every Lidl helps.