Friday, 8 March 2013

5 items or fewer

1. It's 2.43am and I can't get to sleep. The upside is that the brain is most fluid and creative at such times, and I come up with one of the funniest jokes ever!

2. 6.25am. I reach for the phone, check our Internet emporium for new sales, answer some customer queries, update purchases and feedback and toast Steve Jobs for making this 21st Century dream come true. Vaguely remember coming up with something witty in the night but can't for the life of me remember what it was.

3. 8.47am. Get back from walking dogs and start to pack 14 delicate and valuable items to take part in the International parcel football contest by teams of posties in various countries. Sneeze a lot and eyes water. Is it tree pollen or cardboard engineering? My double blind trials of Piratin on alternate days is so far inconclusive.

4. 10.45am I get another email from a multi-national C.E.O., this time from Lidl. The chiefs of every major supermarket have felt the need to email me with their explanation of their horse DNA testing (0.1% positive in this case) and what they are doing to put things right. They appear to be deeply concerned that I should know exactly how much they care. They have sacked suppliers and senior staff, taken their children out of private school and told their wives to cancel that holiday in the Maldives. They are ringing their hands and eating humble pie. I compose a grateful riposte thanking them for their concern and expressing the hope that their products can return to normal (pig ears, calves nadgers, sheep brains etc) soon so they can continue their jet set lifestyle without having to explain themselves to me. These pies and sausages are already shortening my life without the extra burden of writing back to console their bruised egos.

5. 1.30pm I remember my very witty joke from 2.43am! It is "Why not tie a knot in each end of your Bentos to stop it Fraying'.

Somehow it doesn't seem so rib tickling as it did in the night. It is meat pie related I suppose - I may get back to the Lidl CEO and see if it cheers him up. Every Lidl helps.


moreidlethoughts said...

Fray Bentos - groan!
Just for that, I'm going to tell you my joke: why did explorers in Africa wear pith helmets?
Becauth there were no toiletth in the jungle.

I was 10. What's your excuse?

Nota Bene said...

It turns out that Humble Pie is 50% horse, but that's OK because actually no one wants to eat it anyway.

I'm getting up at 2.43 am to see if your joke is any better at that time....

Martin said...

In years to come, your joke will be a Golden Aldi, Rog.

Rog said...

Nota: You are quite right - most people are too crusty. Admirable offer but don't bother with the 2.43am!

Martin: Aldi old ones coming out now!

Z said...

I'm a bit anxious about your brain turning to water at 2.43am. Maybe you should wear earplugs, just in case of a leak.

mig bardsley said...

What a very busy morning.
I expect the sneezing was caused by your subconscious trying to suppress the joke.

gabriellebryden said...

It's still pretty funny ;)

Pat said...

Your first commenter has reminded me of a joke I giggled at in my youth - so blame him.

A magnificent man raised his spear amd declaimed to the world:
"I'm Thor!"
And the lady beside him said:
"Tho am I but it wath worth it!"

Sorry all.

Rosie said...

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show his friends he had guts.

Roses said...

There might be something in bloom...

but not that joke.

Rog said...

Z: Water on the brain. Worrying.

Mig: Could be people hissing at my jokes. I need anti-hissedatmine.

Gab: Well g'donyer possum!

Pat: I'm shocked. That is all...

Rosie: His flatmates?

Roses: It's turning up Rosier round here though.