Sunday, 22 February 2009

Dog Training and other Oxymorons

Hello again viewers, it is the Ozmeister here. Drew has been a bit occupied being "entertaining" with visitors (*snigger*) so let me grab this opportunity to tell you about our so-called dog training lesson last week.

I knew things were going our way when the lesson started late because the lady trainer had "lost" a young labrador who had taken exception to the "recall" command. He was eventually caught about 2 miles away.

Lily had been hyper-excited and was running up and down with characteristic anxiety. "What am I going to do Monsieur Oz?", "'Ow can I remember all zese lessons?". I was able to take on the mantle of Fletcher to her Godber in the battle against Mr McKay, the lady teacher. Drew was the ineffectual Mr Barrowclough whilst Mrs Rine was playing a cameo of herself.

"You see Godber, I mean Lily, you've got to play them at their own game", I said beneath my breathe. "I did all this training stuff years ago. You have to be crafty to show them who is boss and who isn't. Just watch my lead and follow my example, OK?".

I proceeded to provide her with a Masterclass in Biped management.

The trick, you see, is to spend the whole hour doing exactly what they ask of you and be an attentive and willing scholar. I had taken a small notebook and pen with me and the trainer was quite taken aback when I sat with my tongue hanging out taking copious notes.

"Well he seems a well mannered and polite little chap", said the trainer after I'd run up and down to her call, followed her with a perfect heel walk and finally made polite conversation about in-breeding at Crufts with an elderly "stooge" dog introduced for the dreaded "meet and greet" practice. "Compared to my other pupils he's a real little star", she said as we made our way back to the car.

"But Monsieur Oz, why you be so cooperative?" asked my naive associate the Lilster. "Don't you see?", I snorted. "I've given her the satisfaction of thinking she's trained me, Drew and Mrs Rine think I'm brilliant and I can just carry on exactly as I have done before. I'm my own man! If I'd played difficult-to-handle we'd have been back here twice a week for months being forced to jump through hoops and stuff".

We did a sly high-three's in the back of the Doblo whilst Barrowclough drove us home.


john.g. said...

I think you are a devious mutt!

Geoff said...

Very sneaky, Norman Stanley.

KAZ said...

So has Lily got an O level in geography?

Z said...

Drew and Mrs R are right, Oz. You are brilliant.

Dave said...

:-) As the young people say.

zIggI said...

Ah but Oz can they read? Hmmm? Think your plan may just have backfired, I have evidence that Drew has been on the t'internet 'reading' things!

Oz said...

John: I'll take that as as a compliment.

Geoff: You could be Grouty, the tobacco Baron!

Kaz: Lily sounds a bit like Lennie. If she had the Geography she'd be a bit better at finding her way back though.

Z: *beams with remaining teeth in a very Norfolk way*

Dave: You are one to somebody round here ;-)

Ziggi: I think you should go straight to the police!

Z said...

Crumbs, Oz, I've been misreading your profile. You're a Tibbenham Terrierist, aren't you?

Sir Bruin said...

Sound thinking, young Oz. I shall apply these principles at work, maybe the boss will be happy if he thinks I'm doing what he wants.

Christopher Campbell-Howes said...

I see, I see. A very subtle subversion. But what happens when, as result of your top-of-the-class docility, you're promoted to Bonio monitor?

Oz said...

Z: Tibbenham's even too dangeerous for me!

Sir B: I don't think the strategy works at work - the boss will just take the piss!

Christopher: Yes, I'll become the trustee prisoner like Jeffrey Archer!

llewtrah said...

Lure them into a false sense of security Oz! I'm sure Lil will just use her French feminine wiles.

llewtrah said...

Oz, 'tis a pity i didn't spot this in Murph's time, but there's a book called The Labrador Pact (Matt Haig) you might like to read in his honour.

llewtrah said...

Oooh, and The Last Family in England though I can't work out if this is just an alternative title.