Here's how it went between me and a very pleasant and helpful Scottish (the Express were right!) Person (SFL):
SFL: This is the National Swine Flu Help Line, how can I help?
Me: I think I've got the symptoms.
SFL: Yes could you tell me what those symptoms are?
Me: Well, I get these overwhelming waves of Nausea sweeping through my head and they're really painful. I have to lie down.
SFL: Anything else?
Me: Yes I've got high blood pressure but I'm getting really strong palpitations and have to steady myself against furniture.
SFL: Are you sneezing?
SFL: Do your symptoms come on at any particular time?
Me: Yes. Every Time I see a screaming headline about Swine Flu, or hear a Radio Four "You and Yours" Phone-in full of tedious wankers whingeing about their holiday in Spain with their 2 kiddies and worried whether they should wear face masks on the Ryan Air Jet from Stansted and whether they can still drink Bacardi Breezers with the Tamiflu that they've been given by their cousin who's a pharmacist and whether there is a massive cover up by the Government about the true extent of the death toll and people asking that stuck up bint of a Doctor on Jeremy Vine wanting to know if it's safe to eat bacon sandwiches and whether they should wash their hands before going to the toilet as well as after and what about the loose carrots in Tescos ....
SFL: Could I just stop you there Sir? I simply suggest you take a short anger management course and ring us back in a few days. OK?
Me: Thanks very much Nice Scottish Person. Bye!