Friday, 24 July 2009

I Ring The Swine Line!!!

Undeterred by the Express Headline last week ("MIGRANTS TO MAN FLU LINES!"), I rang the Swine Flu Line yesterday to check my new symptoms and managed to get through before the weight of worried callers crashed the system.

Here's how it went between me and a very pleasant and helpful Scottish (the Express were right!) Person (SFL):

Me: Hello.

SFL: This is the National Swine Flu Help Line, how can I help?

Me: I think I've got the symptoms.

SFL: Yes could you tell me what those symptoms are?

Me: Well, I get these overwhelming waves of Nausea sweeping through my head and they're really painful. I have to lie down.

SFL: Anything else?

Me: Yes I've got high blood pressure but I'm getting really strong palpitations and have to steady myself against furniture.

SFL: Are you sneezing?

Me: No
SFL: Do your symptoms come on at any particular time?

Me: Yes. Every Time I see a screaming headline about Swine Flu, or hear a Radio Four "You and Yours" Phone-in full of tedious wankers whingeing about their holiday in Spain with their 2 kiddies and worried whether they should wear face masks on the Ryan Air Jet from Stansted and whether they can still drink Bacardi Breezers with the Tamiflu that they've been given by their cousin who's a pharmacist and whether there is a massive cover up by the Government about the true extent of the death toll and people asking that stuck up bint of a Doctor on Jeremy Vine wanting to know if it's safe to eat bacon sandwiches and whether they should wash their hands before going to the toilet as well as after and what about the loose carrots in Tescos ....

SFL: Could I just stop you there Sir? I simply suggest you take a short anger management course and ring us back in a few days. OK?

Me: Thanks very much Nice Scottish Person. Bye!

12 comments:

Dave said...

I think you need to lie down in a darkened room for a few days.

Mr London Street said...

If only you had done the Cones Hotline back in the day.

Christopher Campbell-Howes said...

Ah. Swhine flu, obviously.

KAZ said...

One should always wear a face mask on a Ryan Air Jet.
So that no one can hear the screams.

Scarlet-Blue said...

It's taken our minds off MP expense claims, and that's all that matters.
Sx

Geoff said...

I'm rather concerned that there is a Tammy Flu but not a Tommy Flu. What about those of us with young sons?

Sarah said...

Loose carrots in Tesco...mmmm now I'm worried, not that ever thought of going to Tesco for my vegetables but the idea of sexualy depraved carrot tops in a supermarket , is a worry.

Rog said...

Dave: I'm not wearing that padded jacket again though.

Mr London: I see John Major's lasting legacy lives on in your consciousness.

Christopher: All the main moaners are obese. I think they just enjoy Whining and Dining.

Kaz: As someone who spends more time on Ryan Air than the hostesses, I appreciate your tips!

Scarlett: Damn...now you've reminded me about that as well! I've only just survived the CJD pandemic of 3.

Geoff: It's appropriate it's Darwin Year - the hoards of miserable whining gits and their media whipper-uppers will hopefully die out naturally.

Sarah: Hahah - the only sexually depraved carrot top I can think of is Mick Hucknall. That's with a capital "F".

Sarah said...

Hahahaha *thumbs up* !

john.g. said...

Bang on tatget, Rog!

Keith said...

. . . .and you wonder why everybody hates you?

Rog said...

Sarah: Thanks. Have a word with Keith will you?

John: Tatget is like Waterget but a bit untidier?

Keith: I tried to be nice to someone the other day. The swine flew!