Mind the Gap

I think the three most depressing things about growing older are as follows:

1. Your eyesight starts failing and you get stuck in a busy London Street desperately squinting to read the A to Z (or the GPS Screen on your Nokia).

2. Your tolerance of arses reduces to an unacceptable level. The merest audible hint of Chris Evans is enough to ruin your day.

3. Your teeth start falling out.

Of these, the last one is by far the most depressing.

You can, for example, buy a pair of ready readers for a quid or lash out on some stylish "eyeware" which even young hip dudes are wearing. Job done.

With regard to the Evans problem, at least you can switch the radio off and ensure you venture nowhere near any portable radiophonic devices between the hours of 5pm to 7pm when his atrocious "show" is broadcast.

No, without wishing to sound like Martin Amis, Dental decay is like an ever present reminder of your own mortality. It is the most depressing thing of all of the processes which everyone goes through, excluding of course people suffering from serious medical conditions which makes this whining sound totally pathetic.

When I was about 10 a dentist in Kent decided I had the opposite problem - too many teeth for my tiny little mouth. I was sent to a specialist who removed teeth and filled my mouth with a grotesque plastic contraption incorporating rubber bands to pull the remaining teeth together.

Now I would dream of looking like Ugly Betty.

My lovely (and very expensive) crowns are falling out faster than the Gallagher Brothers with each other and I'm reaching the stage where I have to choose between forming a Pogues tribute band or wearing the dreaded "d" word - denture. There, I've said it.

I'm wondering whether I'm simply being vain in worrying about this and whether I should take the same attitude I would to wearing an Elton John on my head. Fortunately in the Internet Rag 'n Bone Business I am starting to look far less out of place now the gaps are appearing and in any case you only see it when I'm laughing - and I don't laugh because I'm so depressed about my teeth.