Thursday, 17 December 2009

Roger the Cabin Boy

Well our second year of Rag'n'Bone Trading is drawing to a close.

We sit huddled round a peat fire, preparing the candles for solstice and humming Lily Allen songs as I whittle small gifts for the children from pieces of objet trouve and sticks from the garden. Mrs Rine is folding small paper presents from the origami projects in old Rupert Annuals and painting them in bright colours - one can only imagine the excitement that will suffuse those kiddy's faces when they open these presents!

Our decorations comprise a wooden branch from the garden with strips of paper from the cross-cut shredding machine gaily draped over it to resemble snow. Real snow is forecast for this evening so an extra log for the fire may be the order of the day! We are having locally reared chipolatas tonight and have only a slight concern as to what "locally reared" actually means.

A hint of a frown dances over Mrs Rine's face as we start to think of those worse off than ourselves. Those poor investment bankers, with their meagre bonuses and pensions, and those MP's who have had the John Lewis Catalogue snatched from their grasp in a viscious and vindictive attack on their public spirit.

How lucky we are, that our life is now so simple and our carbon footprint is so frugal.

Mind you, we should have been in the Maldives if it wasn't for the frigging BA Cabin Stewards pulling out at the last moment.


Dave said...

How we should like to emulate your example.

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm throwing tinsel over a cactus and that's the end of it...

Christopher said...

Tinsel! Cacti! Examples! You smirking plutocrats, you sons (and daughters) of Mammon, all we have is 1 thimble to drink our self-produced organic 'wine' from.

Macy said...

And spare a thought for the poor John Lewis partnership who can expect to see profits plummet in the coming year..

zIggI said...

I haven't had a drink, a proper alcofrolic one I mean, for 25 days - none of you knows what proper suffering is - pah!

Vicus Scurra said...

As far as I am concerned, Christmas is over. I have despatched my cards, and that is it. Finito. Elvis has left the planet. Hari Om Tat Sat.

Can the rest of you move on please?

And Ziggi, I last had an alcoholic drink over 35 years ago. Look to me for what a life of abstinence can bring.

Richard said...

After he attended the cabin boys' meeting, Simon Calder wrote in the Independent on Tuesday that he'd never seen so many Land Rover Discoveries displaying French plates outside a union rally in England before. Up the workers!

Z said...

I last had an alcoholic drink 5 hours ago. I'm looking forward to 6 o'clock.

I am fast being reduced to penury because of my beloved's addiction to eBay. I am going to attempt to channel his enthusiasm towards selling rather than buying next year. Unless, of course, you sell anything he buys, in which case I'll steer him your way.

Rog said...

Dave: I've never been held up as a shining example before.

Scarlett: As the great Jimmy Carr once said "You can't polish a turd - but you can roll it in glitter!"

Christopher: You try telling that to the kids of today! They won't believe you!

Macy: They are always full of smug bastards on a Saturday so I say hurrah!

Ziggi: Poor vous! I'll try and drink twice as much this evening in an attempt to even your share out.

Vicus: I think we should have your alternative Christmas Message on Channel Four up against her madge.

Richard: Up the workers indeed. You don't get this sort of thing on Quaintarse or Ryan Giggs.

Z: Drinking twice a day...road to ruin! Look at Kaz. The Sage should be greatly encouraged to our ebay listings when suitably tipsy!

Z said...

My grandmother used to drink champagne at breakfast time and gin for tea as well. I'm a rank amateur.

If I knew how to find you on eBay, I'd certainly turn him in your direction.

KAZ said...

You've been watching that bloody Kirstie Allslop again haven't you?
I bet she's saved so much by making her own Christmas presents that she's in the Maldives now ... staying with Dave and Samantha perhaps.

Whaddaya mean - 'look at Kaz'?
Is Ruin in Norfolk?

Rog said...

Z: I bet she smoked 50 a day and lived to 103 as well. we are such lightweights! Our shop has run right down for a week or two and will re-open in 2010 - hurrah!

Kaz: The lovely Kirstie? Ok she's a Baron's daughter, went to Bedales, advises the Tories on hyses and she's an estate agent .. but what have you got against her? I haven't mentioned your carbon emissions out of politeness ;-)

Z said...

Actually, I don't know if she smoked. She died, looking like a raddled old woman (so I'm told, I don't remember her) in her early 60s. My parents both disliked her and my sister was afraid of her. We're lightweights, true.

Geoff said...

I went to buy the tree today.

"Are you going to put it up yourself?" said the assistant.

"No, in the living room," I said.

I've had too much to drink and eat today and I feel really horrible.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Geoff. I expect that you're here all week.

Sarah said...

We too look forward to Christmas at cold comfort farm. The flame retardant logs sizzle on the meager fire. I can't be arsed to get the tractor out to forge a path through the snow, so that I can battle with the hoi poloi in Tesco. Pah we shall have turkey twizzlers this year.

I do however, have a bottle of rum, soda and mint in the larder. So it's Mojito's all round.

Roses said...

I'm afraid all my Christmas money is going to keep Palais de Roses warm.

That and the wine.

Rog said...

Z: Good job by the sound of it!

Geoff: "Was it Fir?" ... "Only about 4 inches".

Vicus: I done a lol at that Geoffster.

Sarah: I tries some of that Hoi Poloi from Tescos but it was full of monosodium glutamate. Here's to a frugal Christmas - unless you sell the Tractor on ebay!

Roses: Christmas isn't complete without a Tin of Roses!

Jon Storey said...

I see that a touch of madness has broken out in the deep south!

Did someone mention a drink?