Monday, 7 November 2011

In which we come to George Osborne's Rescue....

The department of MUS (Made up Statistics) often points out that, whilst 37% of households have no breadwinners and 56% of those remaining in work are employed by the State, it is SDFB's (Small Dysfunctional Family Businesses) that will lead us out of recession by creating jobs.

It occurred to me that now the GLW and myself have been trading as an SDFB for nearly 4 years, perhaps the time has come to step up a gear and bring new blood into the organisation. But where to start?

Wanted - New Head of Packing
Must be proactive and prepared to stalk free cardboard supplies in Sainsburies without a hint of embarrassment. Handy with a Stanley knife (we did say new blood wanted) and able to put up a good case against the continuous whingeing from the Head of the Accounts department concerning the amount of sticky brown tape consumed. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Head of Photography
Must be able to work on own initiative in under-resourced back bedroom studio and produce 5000+ quality digital images per annum and process them through Photoshop against tight deadlines. Must have broad shoulders if any products do not sell or make a loss in order to survive the Lord Sugar Style blame-storming sessions that inevitably follow. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Despatch Manager
Must have GSOH and be prepared to wait in all day for the Courier or queue up all day at the Post Office. Minimum Wage.

Wanted : Head of Security
Must be able to attend the front door within 0.45 seconds of the bell ringing and tackle intruders up to 12 times own height. Must be prepared to attend other light duties including keeping the back lawn free of pigeons and entertaining Lily. Note: This is an internship - unpaid but as much Baker's Complete Shite as you can consume.

On second thoughts perhaps the economy will have to look after itself.....


Martin said...

I visited the ONS once, in the line of duty, so to speak. The building was designed with transparency in mind. But as you suggest, we've been able to see through Govt stats for yonks.

Tim said...

You don't need a Catering and Entertainments Manager by any chance? Will accept payment in kind.

Z said...

At least we only have two auctions a year. I might apply for one of those jobs, actually. Minimum wage sounds awfully tempting to someone who doesn't get paid a bean.

Macy said...

And no one needs to be a bright, focussed energetic self starting Team Player?

Rog said...

Martin: You mean it had windows?

Tim: You're hired!

Z: You're there to do the auctioneer's bidding.

Macy: That shit is positively banned!

Roses said...

I like 'thinking outside of the box', therefore I'd like to point out that you need a tea-lady.

I make excellent tea. And when I'm in a good mood, serve it with choc digestives.

Minimum wage or abuse would be fine, thanks.

Sir Bruin said...

Dear sir,
I would like to apply for the post of head of packing. I am very adept at "relocating" materials (current employer has not noticed yet). I can use all manner of sharp instruments without adult supervision (see attached court order). I am also able to ignore continuous whingeing (see comments from current staff). Will send full CV when I can be arsed.

Rog said...

Roses: Thinking ouside the box of Roses Chocolates! The head of security is keen on digestives.

Sir B: I like the cut of your jib young man - you'd fit in perfectly round here!