Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Zen Zen Zen

Here are the 20 Zen teachings which have offered so much guidance and wisdom to me in these troubled times.

I thought I'd share them with you:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the fly; some days you are the windscreen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving..
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our backsides ....... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Vicus Scurra said...

There are very few sites on the internet who dispense wisdom such as this.

KAZ said...

So grateful Rog - but no 16 is not useful for two reasons.
1 Women are always right
2 'Works' could mean anything in this context.
Otherwise I will remember to tell the truth and avoid skydiving.

zIggI said...

re 7 - what if you're criticising (since when does it have a Z) their shoes, you wouldn't want to walk a mile in them and then worse, end up with a pair of ugly shoes you were criticising them for in the first place.

re 16 - as many as two eh?
No 1 is don't
what's 2?

Otherwise, this is a list for men isn't it, although it doesn't mention sheds, perhaps that's 21?

Dave said...

This is the most inspirational post I have read in the last hour.

Dave said...

I could read it again and again.

Christopher said...

Did you get all this from a charity shop, Rog?

Rog said...

Vicus: Certainly not of this quality. Wisdom is hard won, my child.

Kaz: I always assumed you in particular were always "left". There are no strings attached to my skydiving advice.

Ziggi: Or should that be Siggi? I think you've proved no 16 already, thank you. As far as sheds are concerned, it is better to travel hopefully than arrive.

Dave: Your comments are half an hour between so that makes an hour and a half. I think you are the only person in Blogland who understands the deep significance of my title.

Rog said...

Christopher: Shame on you for the very suggestion. These pearls have been honed within the shell of my experience using a small piece of grit. Anyway, recycling is good for the planet.

Sarah said...

Yeah yeah yeah, it's that Gravesend thing again...dib dib dib or something.

No 2...sooo true , you are so insiteful Rog.
and am bit confused about no 13 does it refer to no 12?

Sir Bruin said...

I was most uplifted by these inspiring words. I was dismayed to find a hole in my pocket, but now, I shall feel cocky all day.

Dave said...

I could hardly wait to wake up this morning and read this all over again.

Yes, Rog, I did appreciate the heading.

impoftheyard said...


Anonymous said...

I bow before your wisdom, O Holy One. :)