Oh Well!

Oh Well.

Another Decade, another set of ludicrous retrospectives. Last night we had to watch the height of  hypocrisy as Piers Morgan expressed his outrage at the MP's expenses scandal without a murmur of his own snout-in-trough Viglen shares episode. Countryside!

The 2000's (I refuse to use the silly "Noughties" word) were hardly a bundle of laughs for the World, with Greed, political posturing and Crass Stupidity bringing down Economies and Countries as we appeared to start paying for the exploitation and excesses of the 1990's.

It has been a quite miserable decade for the World and not something we will be able to stand up and be proud about to our Grandchildren who we are leaving in a broke, unsustainable and globally warming future.

"How are things otherwise?", I hear you ask.

Well on a personal level the 2000's have been quite simply brilliant! I've raised two fingers to small dysfunctional family businesses by leaving and starting my own, I've acquired 6 wonderfully good looking and intelligent grandchildren and moved into a nice house in the Country. And most important, I've spent it all with the ever so lovely Mrs Rine.

Oh Well!

Pub Quiz Update....

We came about 7th but would have come third if we hadn't been so rigorous with our own marking and if we hadn't had an argument about Pi to 3 decimel places. In the end we had to have a Pi each.

Here's a flavour for any of you netloafers out there:

1. Anagram - "A Mutant Hunk"

2. Add one line to the following sum to make it correct - " 5 + 5 + 5 = 550 " (the answer isn't = with a slash through it by the way)

3. "Spoil Barrier to Resort"  -  (7 letters)

4. What's the biggest Island in the Mediterranean?

Social Whirl

We're going out tonight!

Most people wouldn't consider this a big deal, but for two things. Firstly, it's only about the third time this year we've gone out for an evening of social interaction. And secondly, it's now the 29th of December.

Anyway, Oz and Lil will be under the watchful eye of Big Nana and we're going to a Pub Quiz in Lancaster under the watchful eye of Big Al. I'm hoping the question master will be over 55 otherwise I'm sunk but at least I can contribute to ideas for the team name. The last time I went to a Pub Quiz was about 10 years ago and there was a Team calling themselves "Norfolk 'n Good" so we subverted them by calling ourselves "Suffolk 'n What?". It was hilarious.

As there are two Taylors in the team tonight and they quite like sofas, I've suggested a Dickens theme :

"Taylor two settees"

And as we're getting Tapas bar snacks with the Quiz I've put forward:

"The Real Tapas and Shunters Club"

Things that give you the hump....

Big Al (for some bizarre reason) sent me a link to a BBC story last week which says that grumpy people think more clearly, are less gullible and are better at decision making.  I suppose there had to be an upside to a previous story that Optimists live 19% longer than those who are miserable.

One advantage of being away at Christmas is that you leave many of your troubles at home. It may have been mentioned on this blog from time to time that one of the sources of despair, frustration and high blood-pressure at home is the evil mole which has turned the back lawn into a miniature BMX track for small animals.

Once again Big Al has stepped in with a thoughtful Christmas Gift to myself which is designed to remind me of my little velvet waistcoated friend at home:

Dogs Dressing Up

Lily quite enjoys anthropomorphic activity amongst adults - providing a tasty biscuit rounds it off of course. Here she is waiting to welcome the visitors on Boxing Day.

Olivia was very pleased to see her two chums, although they weren't sure which way to turn.

Obviously you have to catch up with "who-is-the-tallest" and Lil is now slipping down the rankings.

Thought for the Day....

When John Profumo resigned from Government in 1963 after being caught shagging Christine Keeler he quietly spent the next 40 years cleaning toilets at the Toynbee Hall Charity in the East End of London where he worked as an unpaid volunteer for the rest of his life.

When Tony Blair resigned from Government in 2007 after being caught shagging the Country and the Middle-East he is estimated to have earned £18 million schmoozing and slime-balling his way round the World, charging £100k per speech to do useful things like opening an energy plant in Kazakhstan last month.

Now it appears we are financing this to the tune of £6,000,000 per year for his security arrangements, far more than is spent on Gordon Brown's security.

Fortunately I found another article in the Maily Telegraph to help me get through the previous story.

Branches Everywhere

It's Christmas Day at Big Nana's and there is just the three of us singing carols and reading our Rupert Annuals. Lancaster Canal looks inviting outside:

Big Nana didn't have a Christmas Tree when we arrived (she's not been well you know) but fortunately we were able to step into the beech. I popped down to the sustainable forests of the rec with a small saw and came back with a large sore - and a branch to be placed in an obelisk. 

We were also fortunate to obtain the services of Nigella Lawson who is visiting nearby and kindly offered to pop in and bedeck the branch with tasteful birds and fairy bears.

A Happy Christmas to both my readers!

Yule be Sorry!

My brother rang me to say he's had a dream about me, which I found rather worrying, particularly as it also involved Simon Cowell. (Pictured above handling a Christmas Release for his close friend Louis Walsh).

Apparently, he'd dreamt that I'd produced my own Song in an attempt to stop the Saviour of ITV doing his customary assault on the Christmas Number One, which is only normally such in a toilet sense. I'd been so incensed at the annual X-Factor warbling pap that I'd put together my very own antidote single and had started an internet campaign to try get it to top the Christmas charts before Mr Cowell.

"What was the name of this David against Goliath Single", I enquired.

"Rog against the Machine!", he responded.

He's hilarious, my brother.

Donner und Blitzen!!!

Two small bearded reindeer have just arrived in the garden!

Mardy and Grumpy!

Roger the Cabin Boy

Well our second year of Rag'n'Bone Trading is drawing to a close.

We sit huddled round a peat fire, preparing the candles for solstice and humming Lily Allen songs as I whittle small gifts for the children from pieces of objet trouve and sticks from the garden. Mrs Rine is folding small paper presents from the origami projects in old Rupert Annuals and painting them in bright colours - one can only imagine the excitement that will suffuse those kiddy's faces when they open these presents!

Our decorations comprise a wooden branch from the garden with strips of paper from the cross-cut shredding machine gaily draped over it to resemble snow. Real snow is forecast for this evening so an extra log for the fire may be the order of the day! We are having locally reared chipolatas tonight and have only a slight concern as to what "locally reared" actually means.

A hint of a frown dances over Mrs Rine's face as we start to think of those worse off than ourselves. Those poor investment bankers, with their meagre bonuses and pensions, and those MP's who have had the John Lewis Catalogue snatched from their grasp in a viscious and vindictive attack on their public spirit.

How lucky we are, that our life is now so simple and our carbon footprint is so frugal.

Mind you, we should have been in the Maldives if it wasn't for the frigging BA Cabin Stewards pulling out at the last moment.

The Bard of Barking

The weather is a bit more changeable at this time of year. This stunningly bright Rainbow was in our back garden on Sunday afternoon.

Then this morning, it was a proper frost. It seems like a year since we had a proper frost.

The heeby-Jeeby was exhibiting nature's clever way with camouflage and colouring, blending in with the straw and winter grasses perfectly. If she didn't stick her tongue out she'd be totally invisible....

...That is, until she kicks off and does her "Sammy the Seal" barking.

Paris Hilton? More like Wolverhampton Travel Lodge!

"Please let me in, Monsieur Oz! I 'ave 'ad an 'air-do to come 'ere!"

"Sorry love. No can do. More than my Job's worth".

Stationery Traffic

The other day Roses did a post  about her love for Stationery and lots of people rushed in (stationery traffic - geddit?!) to identify with this unusual fetish (or to grass up somebody they knew with the problem).

I used to think I was unusual in this and kept my habit to myself, pulling up the collar on my jacket and looking furtively up and down the street before diving headlong into WH Smiths, or the wonderful Paperchase, to muse over the moleskins, salivate over the Silvine Spiral Spun or peruse the Pentels. Even better were small Stationery independent shops which had the complete Filofax Range and loads of pre-printed Ledgers going back to the 50's with all manner of topics. The best Stationery Shops I every found were in Holland and Germany where they offered leatherbound notebooks with a grid square pattern printed on the pages which sends a frisson of excitement down my spine just to think of it.

There is a drawer of my desk which contains dozens of small notebooks, very few of which have been used but I just like to KNOW that they are there ready... along with the clear pencil case containing HB Pencils, a metal sharpener and a sketching pad should I ever decide to take up drawing.

There must be a psychological reason for this obsession. Perhaps it a branch of control-freakery, or a yearning for the pre-computer days where written communication had personality, style and permanence - non-volatile paper records last hundreds of years whereas these rambling keyboard taps will be merely dots and dashes in a few days - yesterday's computer chip rappings.

Now I've come OUT as a stationery freak I'd like a proper name for it. Any suggestions?

Lilypad

Returning back from the morning walk I noticed Mrs Rine had started on our monthly accounts.

Glancing down at her note pad I couldn't help thinking she had something or someone on her mind.

Mustn't Grumble.....

I was listening to last Wednesday's edition of Midweek on Radio 4 the other day with Libby "forward stroke" Purves. One of her guests left a deep impression on me.

Fergus Anckorn, now aged 91, is the oldest member of the Magic Circle and was once the youngest. A book about him called "Surviving by Magic" tells of his wartime experiences as a PoW of the Japanese for over three years during the Second World War, helping build the infamous 'Bridge over the River Kwai'.

This incredible old man told his tales in such a matter-of-fact and human manner he may as well have been discussing the queue at the Post Office.

He was one of only four or five survivors of the infamous Alexandra Hospital Massacre during the fall of Singapore in February 1941 when the Japanese ignored a surrender and bayoneted the patients in their beds, killing over 200 people including the male staff. Fergus had been a patient on a bed holding his badly bleeding hand to his chest and the profusion of blood made the Japanese soldiers believe he had already been "attended to".

Somehow he managed to survive as a Prisoner of War for the first 6 weeks with no food at all, living off snails, slugs, crickets, snakes and anything that moved. He survived "mock" executions and having a can of red hot creosote thrown over him and after three years was well below six stone in weight.

Fergus - I salute you. What an indomitable human spirit!

It does rather point up the assertion recently that those born after 1945 were the Lucky Generation , a concept which is somewhat dependent on postcode - not so lucky in Rwanda, the Balkans, Iraq, Palestine, etc etc etc.

Maybe we should all spend a little more time counting our blessing instead of our woes.

Not a leg to stand on...

Australian man owes $233.95 for a bill.

Now read on:

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,

You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards,
David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

Canineberet Sauce

If in doubt, go back to dogs in hats. It's easy, simple and you know it makes sense.

So here is Reggie (Mad Dog ) Trubshaw the Cat Burglar and his Glamorous Gallic Assistant, Mmlle Lil.

Let's be Having Yule!

Sat down last night to watch some proper Telly and was rewarded with the lovely Delia Smith doing Christmas again from the house where she has lived for the last 40 years.

Having watched Delia in the 70's doing ordinary cooking she doesn't seem to have changed a lot and there was something still quite appealing about her sensible matter-of-fact approach. The fact that she didn't give out measurements for the recipes so one would be more likely to have to buy her new book meant that we were watching an hour long book advert but it is all for a good cause. A new front four for the Canaries.

It certainly made a refreshing change from Nigella Saatchi gurning and giggling with her pretend friends in a film studio and letting us all think she is a midnight feaster. Yer right.

And Delia will always be Mrs cool to me because she baked this:

Look to the future now it's only just begun....

Yes it's that time of year again folks!

It's been that time of year for the last two months if you are in desperate retail, hoping to make 60% of your turnover in the last few weeks of the year just because people adhere to the Victorian Christmas fantasy.

Why oh why oh why???!!! Why do people HAVE to have a new kitchen or sofa "in time for Christmas"? What is the significance of a new DFS three-piece on the end of the year? Why do we all HAVE to send Christmas Cards to people we haven't seen all year and get back their round-robins about how their son has graduated in Nuclear Physics and their daughter has saved a rain forest and their cat is so cute it has been accepted to front a new cat-food commercial and they had a lovely three weeks in the Maldives in June? Why do we HAVE to try and compete with the bastards who finished their Christmas Present shopping at the end of July and "just have a few bits and bobs to get"? Why do we have to drive past the houses of morons intent on making their houses look like Piccadilly Circus with ridiculous illuminations? Why do people keep trying to bring religion into a perfectly fine Winter-Solstice-End-of-Year Festival?

So, as Noddy Holder's agent treats the wife to a fortnight at Champney's on the strength of another batch of annual PRS cheques, let's celebrate the Winter Solstice, the end of the year with a feast of proper reasons to be cheerful. Apart from Jonah Lewey and his irritating earworm.

One of my best remembrances of Christmas is the smell of the laminated cover of a brand new Rupert Annual  in front of a day-time coal fire.

What's your best and worst memories of Christmas?